


Abasement With Heavy Hearts

by fxns



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Confusion, Depression, Friendship, Gay, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Male Friendship, Self Harm, Starts out really bad sorry, Suicide Attempt, They're gay for each other, cuteness, mention of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2018-11-20 18:15:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 24,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11340762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fxns/pseuds/fxns
Summary: What if Connor had completely read the letter that Evan wrote? What if he didn't freak out.Trigger Warnings inside.This is also published on my Fanfiction.net account and wattpad, so I am not copying another author! It is me.I've never published on here before so I apologize for weird formatting that may possibly happen.





	1. Note

**Author's Note:**

> CHARACTER(s) BASED: Evan Hansen, Connor Murphey  
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own Dear Evan Hansen and I haven't seen the musical. I have only listened to the soundtrack, read summaries, and fanfiction. I apologize for anything I get wrong.  
> TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide Attempt Mention  
> SUMMARY: What if Connor read the full letter instead of freaking out right away?
> 
> I apologize for any weird formatting, this is my first time publishing here.  
> This story is on fanfiction.net as well.

Connor Murphey furrowed his brows as he picked up a freshly printed piece of paper, black ink sprawling on the paper. 'Dear Evan Hansen..' was written at the top, the man the name belonged to sitting in the corner of the computer lab.

"Hey." Connor said, taking a few steps over to the other boy.

"H-Hey." Evan stumbled, his cheeks flushing red. All that could swell through his brain was Jared's lies about Connor.

"I'm Connor, what happened to your arm?"

Don't screw up, don't screw up, Evan, don't do it.

"I- I fell out of a tree.." Evan mumbled, hoping there would be no further questions.

Silence fell over the two.

"Well that's the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard." Connor laughed, pointing to the cast. "No one's signed it?"

"N-no."

Connor took the pen that had appeared in Evan's hand, writing his name in big letters over the white cast.

"OH-oh that's, that's nice." Evan muttered, thankful he would now have something to show his mom, something she could be proud of him doing for once.

"There, now we both can pretend we have friends." Connor joked, hoping Evan didn't think he was crazy. "Is this yours? Dear Evan Hansen, that's you right?"

"Oh! Y-yeah that's mine. It's nothing really, just a project I'm supposed to do. Weird isn't it, writing letters to yourself? I thought it was stupid at first but-"

Connor stopped listening, he was too engrossed in the letter. Why he was feeling some form of concern was beyond him, but he was also creeped out. "My sister, she's on here. _'Because there's Zoe, all my hope is pinned on Zoe.'_ Are you crazy? Did you write this and print it so I would find it?!" Connor began to shout, stopping to finish the letter. The beginning had sparked some concern, concern he didn't know he should even feel.

Evan began rambling again, but Connor still didn't listen.

 _'_ _Dear Evan Hansen,_  
Turns out today wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?  
I know, because there's Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don't even know, and doesn't know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different after all. I wish everything was different.  
I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?  
Sincerely,  
Your most best, and dearest friend, me.'

"What are you, suicidal?"

_Yes Connor, very very kind way of putting it._

"What? No-no I'm not… suicidal?" Evan protested, pushing all the truth he could into his words. He knew it was failing, he knew it. He blew everything. Connor was going to go to the school, Evan would be put in the hospital. His mom would freak out, she would get angry.

"The way you said that, very convincing." Connor smirked, taking a few steps towards the smaller man. Evan began to tremble, his eyes telling a terrifying story.

_Why does Connor care._ _**Why does Connor care?** _

"W-Why does it matter?" Evan sighed, his brain threatening break out of his skull.

"This isn't me, I usually don't give a shit, but just… I know what this is like. And if you tell anyone that I swear to whatever you believe in that I will push you into the ground and pound you to a pulp so hard you-"

Connor froze, taking a deep breath. Evan's eyes welled with tears, Connor's heart weighing in his chest.

"I'm sorry. Most people call me things. School shooter, psychopath, crazy, murderer, etc. I just get defensive."

"It's okay." Evan whispered, his voice sounding so afraid, so small. Connor took another deep breath before continuing.

"I never apologize Hansen, so don't take that lightly. I never get along with anyone, ever. But, since you just admitted you're suicidal, I couldn't forgive myself if I just yelled at you and left. We're in the same place and would end up dead together." Connor laughed, receiving an uncomfortable laugh from Evan in response.

"Thank-thanks. Can I just have my letter back? Please? Sorry to bother you and sorry to ask and I'm sorry you feel obligated to stay now. You should just go. Just, the letter is for a doctor, a therapist, actually. You don't need to care, you shouldn't." Evan insisted, reaching for the letter with his good arm. The cast clunked to his side, a small amount of pain shooting through his arm.

_Parasite, Evan. You revealed too much without trying and now you're a parasite attached to him. He feels like he can't get rid of you._

"Please?"

"If you answer my two questions. One, why my sister you creep? Why mention her?" Connor asked, mentally kicking himself for the insult. He winced as Evan teared up, but he forced it back down.

"I-I have a crush on her. She doesn't know I exist really, not until this morning after you pushed me down. But-but it's just a crush, I swear. I don't wanna do anything t-to her." Evan explained, doing his best to keep his nerves under control.

"Swear to me."

"S-swear to you?"

"Swear to me!"

"I swear! I swear."

Connor paused, closing his eyes and taking another deep breath. For some odd reason he didn't want anything to happen Hansen, he didn't know how to explain it. He didn't want to hurt him, but he didn't like the smaller man having a crush on his little sister.

"You- you said you have two questions?"

"Oh, yeah, did you really fall? Or did you let go? Or jump?"

"W-what?"

"When you fell out of the tree." Connor clarified, watching all life drain from Evan's eyes. He didn't need to answer, Connor already knew.

"I-I fell. You don't- I didn't- I didn't fal- I mean jump. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be saying anything." Evan panicked, snatching the letter from Connor's hands. His mom was probably already waiting, he shouldn't keep her there, be even more of a best.

"Evan wait-"

"I'm sorry, Connor. I'm sorry."

Connor watched as he walked away, his heart sinking even further into his chest, if that was even possible. Evan had just opened doors he knew he never wanted to open, Connor just wished he could have opened his own doors, showed that he didn't want to be angry. But he freaked out anyway.

"God dammit, now I need to watch the damn kid."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan talks to Heidi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own Dear Evan Hansen or anything about it.   
> TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of suicide, anxiety  
> Short chapter, most of them will be.

Evan fiddled with his thumbs all the way to Dr. Sherman's, his mom barely batting an eye. It was a normal tick for him, even with the cast on his arm. "M-mom?" Evan began, scared to continue?

"Yeah?" Heidi Hansen asked, all sorts of possibilities running through her brain. Guess Evan's anxiety was genetic, Heidi's mind couldn't stop racing with what he could say.

"If I got… even more… screwed up… would you send me away?" Evan muttered, feeling tears well in his eyes. After his confrontation with a new person, Connor, he was left in a bad state.

"What do you mean by even more screwed up? You're not screwed up already, but, what do you mean?" Heidi asked, taking caution.

"If I wanted to die… would you send me away?" Evan mumbled, the car nearly jerking to a stop with his mother's shock. She turned into a store parking lot, parking the car away from all the others, away from the store.

"Evan." She whispered, looking over at her son with tears in her eyes. "Do you want to die?"

"Some-sometimes. The tree… Mom if you get a call from school, don't worry okay?" Evan insisted, wanting nothing more than to save his mother from that pain. He knew she cared, but for some reason he selfishly didn't think it was enough.

"You jumped out of a tree? Evan!" Heidi yelled, tears now pouring down her face. She tried to control herself, but there was no use.

"I wanted to die mom! But now, I'm not so sure. I kind of, told someone today, a sort of, friend. But I left and he doesn't know that I don't really want it that much anymore and I want to just go. I don't know if he's telling the school so you may get a call, but mom, please don't worry. Let's just go to Dr. Sherman, please. I don't want this to happen I don't want this." Evan rambled, closing his eyes before the tears poured. The letter was crumbled up in his pocket, weighing down on him.

"Give me a minute to breathe." Heidi snapped, taking a few minutes to breathe. Evan took a few minutes as well, regretting every move he just made, kicking himself while he was already down.

"Mom-"

"Okay, here's what's going to happen. We are going to talk to Dr Sherman, you are going to tell him what you just told me, and then I will talk to him briefly after your appointment to ask what I should do."

"No! Please, you can-can't just send me away. Please!"

"You're thinking too far ahead. I know you can't help it, but you are." Heidi informed, turning the car ignition. She began to drive again to the office, Evan doing his best not to hyperventilate. His broken arm itched as he sweat, self-hatred pushing through his brain.

They pulled into the therapy building's parking lot. Evan didn't want to get out of the car, he was too scared. His chest felt heavy, breathing wasn't easy.

The next few months were uncertain, something Evan was never fond of.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Connor considers what he's done to Evan in the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH  
> TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide mention, drug mention, swearing

Evan ended up getting lucky. Since he could promise he would try his hardest to stay safe and could list reasons why, he didn't need to be in the hospital. Since his arm broke a few weeks ago, there was nothing to suggest he would try anything like that again.

"Evan, we aren't done talking about this. But, we can take a break from the topic for a bit." Heidi broke the silence on the drive home, the only other sound was the hum of the engine and other cars passing.

He nodded, knowing she couldn't see it. Before he entered the car from school, he covered his cast with his sweatshirt, hiding Connor's name.

_Now we can both pretend we have friends._

_Did Connor not have friends? Sure, he had anger issues, but didn't he do drugs or something? Don't you make friends from that?_

Evan couldn't help but feel guilty. Connor probably wanted to be his friend, whether he would admit it or not. But who would admit it? Evan was, well, _Evan_. The freak.

Sure, Evan had Jared. But they were 'family friends,' not real friends. The only thing binding them together was that Jared needed his car insurance paid.

He rested his head on the car window, the cool glass feeling good on his bare forehead. He watched the trees pass by, trying to name as many as he could in his head. It was a distraction tool Evan had learned, but his thoughts were clouded. He couldn't stop thinking about Connor, his threats, his relation, his advice… advice. Why did Connor care about a parasite freak like him?

**BREAKBREAKBREAK**

Connor lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He was tempted to go smoke in the bathroom, the shower steam disguising the weed smoke. But, he didn't want his mind screwed now, he wanted to truly think for once.

Evan Hansen, the freaky weird panic attack kid Evan Hansen, confessed his deepest secret too him. That sounded like something two teenage girls at a sleepover, but currently he didn't care.

Suicide. Evan had tried to commit _suicide_ , he failed, but he tried. And he told Connor. Why on Earth would he bother telling the crazy psychopath?

Sure, Connor was in the same place. He wanted out, he didn't want this anymore. But, he now felt obligated to keep the broken boy safe.

_Why do you care so much? All you've ever done is treat him like shit._

"I shouldn't care, so, why do I?" He muttered aloud, knowing it was safe to assume no one would hear.

_You care because you are not the monster everyone believes you are. You're depressed, sure. You're angry a lot, sure. But you need to be, you need to be defensive. People assume you're a psychopathic school shooter/murderer. But you're not._

"Connor! Zoe! Dinner!" His mom called, breaking his thoughts apart.

"Be there in a minute!" Connor shouted back, receiving a bang on his door as Zoe passed to go downstairs.

 _Other people are the problem._ He thought, nodding to himself, his greasy hair brushing his cheeks. _Others make you a monster, so you can care. Just a little._

More conflicted than he was when he started thinking, Connor sulked down to dinner. Before he could even sit down, Zoe's voice cut into his brain.

"You're high." She accused, smirking and crossing her arms. Connor opened his mouth to reply, but his mother cut in first.

"How many times do we have to tell you, you're going to rehab if you don't stop!" Cynthia shouted, setting down the remainder of dinner at the table.

"I'm not high mom! Fuck you, Zoe!" Connor defended, receiving a light slap from his mother. Nothing to hurt him, just more of a 'stop that right now.'

"Fuck you, Connor!" Zoe yelled back, crossing her arms as she received the same light discipline slap to the arm.

The two sat down for dinner, their parents joining soon after. The conversation veered to school, Zoe told on him for pushing Evan, she even added that she saw them in the computer lab. She went to the length to describe how Evan looked scared, especially when it looked like Connor was entering 'rage mode.'

"I was not getting mad! I assumed some things and got a little mad, but I stopped myself. I didn't hurt the guy." Connor snapped, getting sick of listening to Zoe drone on about how he broke the broken.

"You shouldn't have gotten mad at all. What was there to even be angry about? This kid seems like he's a nervous wreck." Larry pointed out, raising an eyebrow at his son.

"He-he just wrote something. I found it and it mentioned me and I got defensive." He explained, bending the truth. Connor may have his dumb moments, but he was not about to ruin a suicidal man's life even more.

"You were a monster, like usual." Zoe sneered, crossing her arms. It was her usual pose, sometimes Connor liked to joke she would get stuck like that, just like a statue.

"Hansen is fine. He's the same freak he was when I got there." Connor grinned, mentally kicking himself for calling him a freak.

_Why do you care? Why do you care, Connor?_

_Because you are just like Hansen. You are just like Evan Hansen. You are depressed and you are suicidal, if you hadn't met that boy today, you probably wouldn't even be eating dinner. He didn't want to hurt you, just like you didn't want to hurt him._

_But, you care because you are_ _Evan Hansen._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jared is an ass and Evan and Connor skip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH  
> TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide mention, swearing  
> Connor and Evan are in the same place in this chapter, wow what a shocker.

Evan Hansen walked through the school doors the next morning, dreading the possibility of being called out of class. If Connor had told anyone, the school would be recommending him to a hospital for an intake. Going to the counselor was a terrifying experience.

First, the teacher you had got a call. Then they tell you in front of everyone that the office wants to see you. You then must get up and walk in front of everyone out the door while they all think about what you did wrong.

"Evan! How did writing your weird, what, sex letter go?" Jared asked, lowering his voice, a wink covering his right eye.

"What? H-how do you kn-know I write letters to myself? But- they aren't like that!" Evan managed to say, receiving a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"It's okay Evan, you secret is safe with me." Jared winked, laughing to himself at his own unfunny joke.

"Hansen!" A different voice called, a boy with long hair jogging over.

"Murphey! Coming to kill my 'friend?'" Jared laughed, playfully pushing Evan on the shoulder.

"Fuck off, Kleinman." Connor rolled his eyes, resisting every urge he had to deck the jerk here and now.

"Yea-yeah. F-fuck off, Jared." Evan stumbled out, receiving wide eyes from both teenagers.

"What, psychopath shows up and you suddenly learn to stand up for yourself? What the hell did you do to him?" Jared accused, getting defensive over his 'family friend.' For someone who claimed to care very little about him, he protected him like a brother.

"Nothing! I didn't do anything to him! I just wanna talk to him, but you know what, fine. I won't. Bye." Connor nearly shouted, turning on his heels to walk away. He got down the hallway before he heard nervous footsteps behind him, pausing every few steps before cautiously following.

The footsteps continued, all the way to the front door of the school. "A-are you skipping?" Evan's voice whispered, his usual fear and anxiety returning.

"Yeah, what about it?" Connor snapped, snickering to himself. If he changed anything too fast, people would suspect something. And it wouldn't be the easy 'their gay and doing each other' rumor, it would be rumors that Connor had manipulated Evan, that he was in danger.

"W-why?"

"Because I've been here all of thirty minutes and I'm already done."

"O-oh."

"Got a problem with that?!"

Evan winced, taking a few awkward steps back. "No! No. Th-there isn't a problem with that."

Connor watched as the smaller man fumbled with his thumbs, wincing as he moved the thumb from his broken arm. He had never broken a limb before, but he knew that moving any part of it could hurt.

"Uh, um, stop doing that." Connor stuttered, unsure how to proceed. Evan looked up with big eyes, surprised anyone other than his mom noticed his ticks.

"S-s-sorry."

"Just, what you told me yesterday- "

Connor was cut off by the bell signaling that they needed to be in class, Evan nearly jumping out of his skin.

"Oh no, no, I'm late. And now I need to walk into class with everyone turning to stare at me and wonder 'Hey, where has that guy been? Isn't that the freak that fell from a tree?' Then I have to sit down as they all stare at me and then try to go back to normal while everyone is internally confused and-"

"Hansen, just chill in the bathroom all period. Or, you can skip with me." Connor suggested, glancing around the hallway.

_Did Connor just as you, his parasite, to go with him? To do something that's not forced?_

"Dude, stop looking at me like that."

"Wh-what? Like what?"

"Like I just told you I loved you and then kicked at you and screamed at you."

"H-how do you know what that l-looks like?"

"Lucky guess. Are you coming or not?"

_He's seriously inviting you, why is he inviting you?!_

"S-sure."

"Alright Hansen, let's go."

The two teenagers picked up their pace to a jog, getting into Connor's car.

_You're in a stranger's car. You ditched school. What the hell is wrong with you?! You barely know this guy and he's known for being angry!_

_But he hasn't really snapped at you. Only when he called you a freak, but you are a freak, so that's no different. But he hasn't done anything 'crazy.'_

**_Why?_ **

"C-can I ask you something?" Evan whispered, hurrying his words the more he spoke.

"What?"

"Why are you nice to me? Just yesterday you called me a freak. I mean, you're not, um, that's not important. But, why me?" Evan stumbled out, forcing himself to stop before he rambled too much.

"I'm gonna tell you something that you will never repeat, understood?" Connor threatened, gripping his hands on the steering wheel. He didn't know where he was going, all he knew is he wanted away from school.

"I-I won't repeat it. Sharing secrets and gossip is something that's rude and I don't think it's appropriate to and I'm talking too much, I'm so sorry." Evan mumbled, wincing as he again played with his thumbs.

"Okay, well, I know what you're going through. I did what you did at the tree, when you broke your arm. Only differently. So, I guess I'm sorry? I don't know dude, I don't usually deal with this shit. I don't have any friends as you know." Connor confessed, feeling himself take a deep breath. Whether it be from relief or fear, he didn't know.

"I'm sorry, Connor. I'm sorry." Evan whispered, his voice barely audible over the car engine.

"Look, let's not do this, I seriously don't want to get into it. I just want to have a smoke and lean against my car, maybe even a tree."

"Smoking by a tree is- is- never mind. It's not interesting. Sorry."

"Dude, just spit it out."

"Fires by trees are dangers. Birch tree bark is especially flammable, Pine wood burns easily, so does spruce. Plus, if the trees are dry multiple could start on fire, killing ones that could be up to 200 years old. Their greens leaves could burn. I'm sorry, this really isn't interesting." Evan apologized again, pushing back on his thumb particularly hard.

_Now you've done it. He's going to kick you out of this car for ruining his fun. He won't want to be around a weirdo like you. You are a parasite. No one normal likes trees. Freak._

"Hansen! Cut that out!" Connor snapped, instinctively reaching over. He clasped his hand over Evan's casted one, keeping his other hand on the steering wheel.

_Oh my god, Evan. He's touching your hand. Connor Murphey is touching your hand. Why is he doing that, why would he even bother?_

Both boys froze for a few moments, neither of them knowing what to do. Both of their minds exploded, thoughts racing so fast through their minds the _Flash_ couldn't keep up.

The car engine was all that broke the silence, until it didn't anymore. Hands still latched together, both flew forward, their seatbelts catching them. The hum of the engine cooled.

Evan and Connor lay with airbags in their faces, both unmoving.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan and Connor are injured.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH  
> TRIGGER WARNING: Hospital Stuff, swearing, suicide attempt mentions  
> Connor and Evan are in the same place in this chapter, only in a hospital room this time.  
> All thoughts in italics are Evan's thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.

**Sorta kinda Connor's POV (not first person)**

Connor Murphey woke first, pain throbbing through his head. He didn't mind the pain that much, it wasn't too bad. Grogginess was all he could feel, confusion a close second. His neck and back didn't hurt, but his chest sure did. His ears rang, pain unable to register in them.

Cautiously, just in case of nerve damage, Connor turned his neck to face the passenger side. Evan remained unconscious, his face facing him. Blood oozed from a cut on his head, bruises already forming on the visible side of his face.

"Hansen…" Connor croaked, going to move his hand, but realized he couldn't. His fingers were still clasped in Evan's, the distant sound of a siren breaking the ringing. "Evan!"

He stirred just slightly, but didn't open his soft eyes. A soft groan escaped his lips, yet no other signs of consciousness ensued. Connor could feel himself being pulled away, time lapsing by either slowly, or quickly. He couldn't tell anymore.

**BREAKBREAKBREAK**

**Sorta Kinda Evan's POV (not first person)**

A machine beeped, a hand wrapped around his. Consciousness returned slowly, his senses coming back slowly at a time, one by one. The machine continued to beep, pain slowly returning.

Evan cracked open one of his eyes, his vision blurred. People hustled around the room, moving from bed to bed. A curtain was drawn, a familiar face sitting in a chair across the room. Carefully, he twisted his head to face his previously uninjured hand, curious who was holding it.

_Maybe Connor? Wait, wasn't he in... what happened again?_

He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing real escaped. "Hmph." He grunted, his eyes rolling into the back of his head. A tube was down his throat, stealing all the air he needed. Evan began to choke, tears forming in his eyes. His body tried to convulce, but found itself to exhausted.

"Evan?" A woman's voice asked, a hand gently brushing his cheek. It took his eyes a few moments to fix, but soon a clear image of his mother appeared in his vision. A nurse pulled her out of the way, telling him to breathe out as they pulled the tube from his esophagus. Once removed, all he wanted to do was apologize.

"M-mom? I-I-I'm so sor-" Evan began to stutter, emotion soon overwhelming his body. Tears stung on the cuts littering his face, the waterfalling unable to stop.

"Shhh sweetie, shhh. It's okay, just relax. You've been out for three days." Heidi Hansen cooed, gently wiping the tears from his face with her thumb. Evan closed his eyes, welcoming the comforting touch of someone he completely trusted.

"What-what happened?" He asked, noticing the bandages around his body. His head felt heavy with bandages, Evan's body wasn't even draped in a hospital gown. His chest was heavily bandaged, clips holding the cloth in place. Already casted, his arm remained the same, Connor's name scribbled in big letters.

"You were in a car crash with a boy from school. You two drove off the rode on accident, you hit a large boulder. I just, want to let you know, I'm not mad. I know you weren't at school, but we can talk about that later. I'm just not mad, sweetie. You're going to be okay and that's all that matters." Heidi rambled, smiling to herself. Evan's eyes had lit up when he learned Connor was okay, causing her to smile even more.

"He's okay?" Evan croaked, his throat dry from the tube that was there for three days.

"Yes, he is, just some bruises and a concussion. I can let him explain, if you're up to it. Or, you can rest. He's just in the chair, waiting." Heidi explained, just glad someone cared for her son enough to stay. Regardless if he caused the accident or not.

"Can-can I?" Evan stuttered, staring off at a pitcher of water. Heidi got the hint, pouring him a glass of water with a straw poking out the top of the cup. She waved to the figure, Connor, in the corner. He stood up, making his way clearly into Evan's vision. It hadn't completely returned yet, he could only see so far.

"I'm going to go call my bosses, I'll be a while. Take your time." Heidi smiled, gently setting a hand on Connor's shoulder before she left.

Both teenage boys sat in silence, unsure where to begin. "So… your mom is nice." Connor stated, a small smile cracking on his lips.

"She worries." Evan simply replied, guessing everything that was running through his mind.

_He looks good, despite the few bruises most likely from the crash. His eyes, I could just stare into them forev-_

_What. The. Actual. Hell. I've known this guy for two days. Well, technically five ish I guess. But, I have a crush on his sister? I can't have feelings for him too?_

"Hansen. Hansen, you're doing it again." Connor said, his eyes widening. Evan blinked, shaking his head.

"Sh-shoot I'm so-so sorry." He apologized, instinctively reaching over to pull on his thumb with his mostly uninjured hand. Connor's eye's widened in horror, his hands moving over Evan's again.

"This is how we got into this mess. Shit, just cut it out, Hansen." Connor protested, wincing as his voice raised just slightly. He wasn't supposed to be loud in an ICU and he especially wasn't supposed to be loud with bruised chest plates.

"I'm s-sorry, Connor. I'll try harder to stop that. I-I have a q-question though. Why are you holding my hands?"

"Oh shit, didn't realize I was still doing that. I noticed you would pull on your thumb and wince, guess I don't want you doing that." Connor whispered, scared to continue.

_Wait wait wait, hold up, does he really care? Again, why?_

"W-why do you care?" Evan slightly stuttered, resisting the urge to pull at his thumbs again. A part of him wanted to, just so Connor would hold his hands again.

_Evan, you are not gay! Just shut up!_

"Mind your own fucking business!-" He began, hyperventilating as his chest began to hurt. "Evan, I'm sorry. It's just instinct I guess. I should get going before more things happen."

_More things._ _More things?_

"Oh, uh, yeah. O-only if you want to. I-I'm sure my mom won't mind. Y-you're m-my only sorta friend person. Friend." Evan mumbled, a painful yawn supporting his initial statement.

"Friends? We're… friends?" Connor asked, surprised by the sudden phrase. It was something no one had ever considered him to be, something he never had himself.

"I guess. I-I mean, you're nice to me. I would consider that a f-friend. And, I mean, um, you stayed by my hospital bed e-even though we barely know each other. So, um, in short, uh, friends?"

"Friends. I guess."

_Breathe Evan, breathe. Somehow Connor wants to be your friend. So just relax, you have a friend._

_A friend that you could easily lose because you're one of the most unpleasant people on the planet. You will screw this up like you screw up everything, in a couple of days you will no longer have anyone to call your friend. You never do._

_This is not relaxing. You have a friend. Connor Murphey wants to be your friend. Guess you no longer must pretend to have them with the name on your cast._

_You have a friend._


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan returns to school after two weeks out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH  
> TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm mention, suicide attempt mention, bullying, internalized homophobia  
> All thoughts in italics are Evan’s thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.  
> Sorry it took me so long to update! Season 12 of Criminal Minds was put on Netflix and let’s just say I’ve been binging. Short chapter until I finish my spree.

**Two Weeks Later**

Evan shouldered his backpack, bandages pressing against his now tight shirt. His white cast from before was now covered in dirt from the accident, Connor’s name blending in to the color. Nerves swelled throughout his body as he knew the taunts that were coming, word had gotten around of what had happened. And everyone had their own story, their own version.

“Evan, you’re back.” Jared smirked, placing an arm around his ‘family friend.’ Evan winced at what little muscle, and more bone, of his arm pressing his bruises.

“I-I thought you didn’t w-want to be my friend?” Evan asked, feeling himself slowly lose his sanity. His anxiety levels were rising, his chest tightening as he struggled to breathe.

“We aren’t, but same thing as the first day of school. I want my car insurance paid.” Jared smirked, watching Evan’s gaze as his eyes settled on Connor. There was something about the other boy that really attracted him.

_Stop it. You’re not gay, you have a crush on Zoe. Right? Well, she’s pretty… but Connor is more attractive. He’s-_

_Evan Hansen shut up. You’re not gay, are you? Stop thinking about that!_

“Hey, uh, Hansen? Hellooo? Earth to Evan? Will you stop fantasizing about Zoe Murphey naked and pay attention to me?” Jared’s voice broke, Evan’s shoulder painfully twisting as he shook him back. “Fantasy that good, enh?”

“Y-you’re gross, Jared. T-that’s not w-what happened at a-all!” Evan stumbled out, unable to defend himself.

“ _Sure_. I’m gonna go to class, good luck with the guy that tried to murder you.”

_Murder me? Connor held my hand and got distracted because I’m a parasite. I was hurting myself to distract myself and he wanted me to stop, I caused the crash. I did all of this. I not only hurt myself, I hurt Connor._

“B-bye.” Evan whispered, but Jared had already walked away.

“Hansen!” Connor shouted, crossing the hallway. In his mind, everyone stopped to stare at him. All eyes moved to Evan, staring at his sloppy hair that he refused to comb that morning.

“C-Connor?” Evan asked, surprised the other boy even opted to talk to him at school.

“You’re back! I was wondering if you’d want- why is your face red?”

_I can’t breathe, that’s why._

Evan shook his head, backing away from the taller boy. Connor swept his long brown hair from his face, his brows furrowed with curiosity. He continued to back up, his pace quickening as he ran into a school bathroom. Connor waited several moments, mostly processing what had happened, before he followed his nervous friend.

“Are you having a panic attack? Because if you are, I can try and help. I assume that’s what friends do.” Connor spoke, his voice echoing off the walls of the boy’s bathroom. A small sob broke from one of the stalls as Evan gasped for breath, he clawed at his throat as if it would open his airways.

“I’ll take that as a yes. I can see you in the stall Evan, just come out. I’ll lock the door to the bathroom if you want.” Connor said, wincing at his own words. He heard the lock slide from the stall, Evan shuffling out on his feet. Taking the note, he locked the bathroom door so no one else could enter.

“S-s-s-sorry-y.” Evan apologized, curling himself into the corner between the wall and radiator.

He thinks you’re pathetic. He thinks you’re a freak.

“Um, I’m not sure how to do this,” Connor started, gently placing a hand on Evan’s shoulder. He recoiled at the touch before moving into it, using the hand as a grounding mechanism. “But, breathe. What do you normally do?”

“T-talk to s-someone. J-Jared. He-he’s not h-helpful, but i-it’s a distraction. C-crisis l-lines.” Evan stuttered, tears running into his mouth. His chest ached, his shirt feeling like it was suffocating him.

“Well, then, let’s talk. Some of the rumors about us are funny, if you think of it the right way. I heard one that we were having sex in the car when we crashed. That sounds very unsanitary.” Connor slightly laughed, keeping an eye on Evan to make sure he didn’t get worse. He smiled just slightly, vigorously shaking his head.

“Y-yeah. Definitely. Jared t-told me one that w-we did it on purpose, for attention.” Evan joked, receiving an even bigger smile from Connor.

“I heard one that Zoe was with us, since you have or had a crush on her. There were some more details, but I’ll spare you from that. Are you doing better?”

“A-a little. Thanks. W-we should go to class before the b-bell. O-or someone tries to c-come in here.” Evan nodded, using his un-casted arm to wipe his tears. Connor carefully handed him a sweatshirt from his bag, giving his friend a small smile.

“Oh, um, can I have your cast quick?” Connor grinned, pulling out a sharpie from his pocket. Slowly, Evan gave him his dirty casted arm.

“The cast comes off tomorrow and I get a new one.” Evan spoke in one fluid sentence, proud of himself for not stuttering.

“That’s okay.” Connor told him, drawing a small smiling face on the thumb. His eyes lit up at the simple gesture, smiling. Some numbers were added underneath, Connor’s phone number.

“Your number?”

“Yeah. Just text me if you need anything. Um, hurry to class. The bell rings in a minute.”

“T-thanks.”

Evan got up, unlocking the bathroom door. He walked out, Connor following soon after. They went separate ways, each going to their classroom.

 _He gave you his number. You can text him whenever you want. Maybe this year you won’t have to spend Friday nights alone on your laptop, internet messaging Jared. Maybe this year you can hang out with your friend. Maybe this year you won’t be alone._  


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan texts Connor and Connor is (slightly) drunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH  
> TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia, swearing, underage drinking  
> All thoughts in italics are Evan’s thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.

**Two Days Later**

Evan stared at Connor’s contact name in his phone, longing to bring up the courage to text his friend. Heidi had given more than one concerned glance at her son, confused why he was just staring at his weird phone.

“Evan, can I help with something? It’s the one night I’m home, I may as well help with something.” Heidi asked, desperately wanting to be the supportive mom.

“I-I wanna text a friend. But d-don’t know how to start the message.” Evan confessed without a second thought, bursting like a bubble.

“A friend? Oh Evan, you have a friend?” Heidi gushed, resisting every urge in her body to pinch her son’s cheeks like he was five. Evan flushed red, his mind raising on how to reply.

“Um, yeah. I have a friend. But, J-Jared is like a friend. I message him online s-sometimes.” Evan defended, opening the messaging on his phone.

“Sorry, you’ve just never talked about a friend before. Maybe start by just saying hi?” She suggested, shrugging her shoulders. Evan sighed, running his un-casted hand through his hair.

“That seems so childish though. Hey seems too casual, hello is what grandma’s say.” Evan smiled before returning to his anxiety.

“You’re really thinking into this, is this a girlfriend?” Heidi joked, stopping as her son’s eyes widened. “Boyfriend?”

_I wish._

_Wait, what? Don’t you want Zoe to be your girlfriend?_

_No, I want Connor to be my boyfriend._

_Wait, wait, what?!_

“No-no. Just a friend. Connor. The one that,” he ran his hand along the bandages on his chest. “I got into the crash with.”

“Oh! You stayed friends? That’s so nice! I don’t know if I want you in a car with him anytime soon, but-“

“Mom! I just want to text.”

“Right, right. Just say hi. Don’t stay up too late talking though, it’s a school night.” Heidi grinned, ruffling her son’s hair like he was a young child. He blushed, waiting for her to leave before sending his text.

Taking a deep breath, Evan typed the two letters.

**Evan**  
Hi. It’s Evan

A few minutes passed before a reply came through.

**Connor**  
Hey Evan glad you finally texted. Do you need anything?

**Evan**  
No, I just thought we could talk. Like, friends do, ya know?

**Connor**  
Oh. Sure yeah

**Evan**  
So…

**Connor  
** I love how you just sent hi. So cute.

**Evan**  
It’s cute?

**Connor**  
Adorable. Like the person who said it

**Evan**   
Are you high?

**Connor  
** Nah sober. Ur just cute.

**Evan**   
You sure you aren’t high?

_I’m about as ugly as anything you could ever imagine._

**Connor**   
Very sure. I flirt over text

**Evan**   
You actually want to flirt with me?

**Connor  
** As I said earlier my friend, you’re adorable.

**Evan**   
Are you drunk?

**Connor  
** Mabe just a bit

**Evan**   
Wow

_See, there’s no way he would ever like you. Why do you keep thinking this way?_

**Connor**   
But not that drunk. 1 beer Hansen. I am not a lightweight.

**Evan**   
You should sleep. Then maybe rethink me being ‘adorable.’

**Connor**   
I won’t change my mind. Call me quick?

**Evan**   
Ok

Evan clicked the call button on Connor’s contact information, the ring only happening for a second before Connor picked up.

“Nice to hear your voice, Ev.” Connor’s muffled voice spoke, making an even darker blush creep onto his cheeks.

“Ev?”

“Yeah. Don’t get used to it though, I only nickname when intoxicated, even just slightly.” Connor laughed, filling Evan’s heart with happiness.

“Why did you want me to call you?” Evan asked, trying to keep his voice low so he didn’t disturb his mom down the hall.

“I wanted to explain. I hate gender roles, so I think guys should be able to tell each other that they look adorable. And I mean, have you seen my hair?”

“So, you don’t have a crush on me?”

“You thought I had a crush on you? I mean, damn Ev I knew you were smart, but I didn’t know you were that smart. You figured me out!”

Evan’s heart felt like it was going to burst, his anxiety taking him many ways. “Are you sure you just had one beer?” He joked, silently hoping Connor was sober enough to know his feelings.

“Okay maybe two. My dad won’t be missing them.” Connor giggled, the sounds of sheets rustling in the background.

“You should sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow?”

“Good idea, wish you were here Ev.”

“O-oh. W-wow.”

“Sorry, that was forward. I’m usually not this influenced after two beers. But know, I only speak the truth when drunk. I’m one of _those_ drunks.” Connor joked, a sigh coming in from his end.

“Okay, w-well, I’ll talk to you when you’re sober.” Evan sighed, hanging up the phone before anything else could happen. Just when he felt his bearings return, his phone notification dinged.

**Connor**   
Night Ev, sorry I scared u. I have that effect on people.

**Evan  
** It’s okay. I just don’t know how I feel about you.

**Connor**   
Confused?

**Evan  
** Little bit.

**Connor**   
It’s okay Ev, I’ll lay off. Sorry again, night Ev.

**Evan**   
Im sorry too. Night Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review :)  
> I welcome feedback with open arms.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Connor and Evan return to the car and Evan texts Jared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH  
> TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia, swearing, underage drinking, suicidal thoughts  
> All thoughts in italics are Evan’s thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.  
> I’m not sure how good this is, but I like the ideas. Let me know what you think! Jared’s a little OOC and I changed the texting format too.

Evan and Connor got through the day without talking about the whole ‘Connor was drunk and called him cute’ fiasco. School went by in a boring blur, neither boy wanting to publicly acknowledge what had happened. They ate lunch together, ignoring all the stares and remarks from others. The day was uneventful, except when Connor invited him to dinner.

“C-Connor, this really isn’t a g-good idea.” Evan whispered, nervously taking the passenger seat of Connor’s car. He couldn’t help but flashback to the crash, his breath taking itself away.

“The dinner or the car?”

“The dinner. I-I don’t too well with people.”

“Want to explain?” Connor asked, starting the car. Evan resisted the urge to pull painfully at his thumb, trying to stop the thoughts running through his head.

_He’s concerned for you. He actually cares._

_Why would he care for a depressed nobody?_

“A-anxiety.” He whispered, watching the trees go by as they drove. Maple, Pine, Apple trees… Evan couldn’t help but count.

“My mom’s a bit persistent. Zoe’s a bitch and told her about me making a friend, like I couldn’t do that at all.” Connor complained, his temper rising as he talked about his family.

“But you couldn’t. I’m your o-only friend.” Evan smirked, receiving a painful punch to the shoulder, pushing on the fading bruises of his chest.

“Shit, Hansen! You made a semi rude remark! I’m proud of my child.” Connor laughed, the smile on his face making Evan’s heart flutter.

“I’m your child now? I-I thought I was cute and adorable.” He blushed, a smile creeping onto his lips.

“You’re that too. Do you want to talk about that?” Connor inquired, the breaks screeching as he turned the car. They had passed the neighborhoods, both their houses left behind them. There were a few hours left before dinner.

“Y-Yeah. Are you, you know, um, g-gay? I mean, I don’t care if you are, it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t really care who you’re into as long as you’re not a j-jerk. You can be gay and into guys, that’s okay. I’m obviously into girls, but I’m kinda into guys too in that way so it would be hypocritical for me to say I’m not okay with someone being gay. Really I think the lifestyle-“

“Evan. Stop. Yes, I’m gay. I think. Truly, I like guys more, but if I fall for a girl I fall for a girl. Whatever. No girl would fall for me. No guy would either.” Connor spoke, his voice slowing the down the further he got. Sadness crept upon his face, his hair moving in front of his eyes.

“I-I would.”

_What are you saying. What are you saying?! What the hell is wrong with you Evan?! Get out of this car right now, get out of the car and step in front of another one right now!_

“Evan. Evan! EVAN!” Connor’s voice broke into his head, the car pulling over onto a dirt road. He pulled over to the side of the road, leaving his car door open as he ran to Evan’s side.

“I’m- I’m so-so-sorry.” Evan sobbed, curling in on himself. Connor took the seatbelt off, gently pulling Evan out of the car. The tight space of the car could only make things worse.

Grunting, Connor carried a sobbing Evan into the woods. They didn’t go in far, just far enough that no one would see what was happening.

_You’re so stupid. Fight him, run away. He doesn’t need to deal with this. Evan Hansen you’re hurting your only friend._

“Shhhh.” Connor cooed, cuddling the shorter boy in his arms. He didn’t care how this looked to anyone else who may see for some reason, he just wanted his friend to feel better.

“I’m p-pathetic.” Evan cried, burying his face into his friend’s shoulder.

“Having feelings for someone isn’t pathetic. It’s okay. Really. I’m not mad. I… really like you… more than a friend… You don’t need to feel that way back.” Connor reassured, careful of the bruises on Evan.

“I-I d-do l-like you that w-way.” Evan choked out, his brain exploding again.

Shut up shut up shut up! Seriously Evan, what’s wrong with you!

“But you’re not ready to admit your sexuality. It’s okay. Truthfully a little frustrating, but I don’t mind that much.” Connor whispered, squeezing Evan’s torso. There was a study that tight pressure can calm someone down, Connor planned to do that.

“I’m s-still s-sorry.” Evan stuttered, the tears continuing to fall.

“Do you want to um, talk to someone that’s not, you know, me?”

“Y-yeah sorry..”

Shaking, Evan pulled out his phone. He turned on the messaging system, remaining in his friend’s arm.

**{Texting Jared Kleinman}**

**Evan  
** Jared, can we talk.

 **Jared**  
What’s up my man?

 **Evan  
** I feel bad.

 **Jared**  
Someone hurt your little feelings?

 **Evan**  
No. I hurt myself.

**Jared**

You did what?!

No response.

 **Jared**  
Shit dude, I’m gonna have to talk to my mom about that.

 **Evan**  
Emotionally. And I guess physically.

 **Jared  
** Where are you? I should probably come and get you, drive you to your mom, does that sound good?

 **Evan  
** You’ve never acted this way before.

 **Jared  
** Well, I know I act like a piece of shit, but I’m not a monster.

 **Evan  
** You’re the incredibly cool Jared Kleinman

 **Jared**  
This is serious Evan, where are you? Stop teasing me about being a caring human.

 **Evan  
** I’m with Connor. I just needed to talk.

 **Jared  
** Did he hurt u?!

 **Evan**  
No. He can read the convo by the way.

 **Jared  
** Ok. Uh, so what happened.

 **Evan**  
You’ll tease me.

 **Jared  
** If it’s bad enough you hurt yourself, I’ll refrain. Again, I’m not a total monster.

 **Evan  
** I have a… crush on Connor…

 **Jared**  
Oh man dude, the rumors are true!

 **Evan**  
No they aren’t! It’s just a crush

_A crush you shouldn’t be having you freak._

**Jared  
** Alright alright, I’ll refrain for now because you’re particularly emotional. But later, boy are you gonna hear it.

 **Evan**  
I look forward…

 **Jared**  
Need anything else?

Evan didn’t reply. He knew Jared was trying to help in his own twisted way, teasing was just apart of his friend’s personality.

“He’s a dick Ev, but I guess he’s not totally shit. You seem calmer.” Connor said, releasing his grasp on Evan’s body. Evan remained in his arms though, reluctant to leave the warm grasp.

“He’s rude, but t-that’s Jared. I feel a little better now.” Evan mumbled, his face burning and itching from tears.

_You shouldn’t feel better._

“You don’t have to do dinner with my shitty family after that. Maybe your place?”

“I-I don’t know.”

“Come on, Ev!” Evan flinched, leaving Connor’s arms as his voice raised.  “What the hell!”

“I-I’m so sorry.”

“Shit. Shit shit shit. Ev. I didn’t mean-“

Connor couldn’t even finish his sentence before Evan ran the other way, stumbling over his feet. “Evan! Come back! I’m sorry!”

**{Texting Jared Kleinman}**

**Evan  
** I’m off the main highway, running towards the Mph sign. Please get me.

 **Jared**  
On my way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you all think! Feel free to comment, I don't bite!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jared is protective and Connor apologizes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH  
> TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia, swearing, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks  
> All thoughts in italics are Evan’s thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.  
> Jared is still probably a little OOC. Sorry if this chapter isn’t very good!  
> And I want to say that the internalized homophobia is not me being homophobic. I’m writing a boy x boy fic, so I am not homophobic whatsoever. I just wanted to clear this up in case anyone was wondering.

Evan waited by the speed limit sign, his phone blowing up with notifications. He had long shut off the ringer tone, but the screen continuously lit up with Connor’s pleas. His heart continued to flutter, the events replaying over and over in his head.

_ “You don’t have to do dinner with my shitty family after that. Maybe your place?” _

_ “I-I don’t know.” _

_ “Come on, Ev!” Evan flinched, leaving Connor’s arms as his voice raised.  “What the hell!” _

_ “I-I’m so sorry.” _

_ “Shit. Shit shit shit. Ev. I didn’t mean-“  _

Evan shook his head, resisting the urge the break his phone. The wait for Jared seemed to take forever, even though it was only ten minutes. He climbed into his ‘family’ friend’s car, the world tunneling into darkness.

“Alright Hansen, spill.” Jared sighed, driving away from the sign. Evan tried to talk, but all that came out was mumbled words. “Okay, um, let’s talk later then. I’m driving you to your mom.”

“N-no!” Evan sputtered, clutching his arms to his chest. He gasped for air, but his lungs didn’t seem to fill. Deep down he longed to be back in Connor’s arms, but knew he blew it. He knew he destroyed whatever they could have had.

_But Connor apologized, he didn’t mean to yell. You could apologize too._

_This is irreversible._

“Dude you’re having a fucking panic attack, I’m taking you to your mom.” Jared said, keeping his eyes on the road. As much as he didn’t admit it, whenever he saw Evan upset, he got upset himself. He cared for the other boy more than a family friend, but as a friend.

“P-please just t-take me h-home. S-stay if you don’t tr-trust me alone.” Evan managed to reason, his hands shaking so much he couldn’t check his messages. His curiosity was getting the best of him.

“You bet I’m staying, jackass.” Jared remarked, gripping his hands tighter around the wheel. “Sorry. But I usually insult.”

Evan’s face fell, fumbling with his phone before it fell at his feet. “S-shit.” He muttered, trying to pick it up again.

“Evan, stop. Just sit up and breathe you-“ He paused, taking his time. “Just breathe. We’re almost to your house. Seriously though, start talking. I know you can.”

“You’ll tease m-me. A-and you’ll be a d-dick to Connor.” Evan stuttered, forgetting everything he had already told Jared.

“I know you like Connor, I know Connor likes you. I’m just a dick to everyone, but did you ever think it’s because I hate myself too? Do you ever think underneath my shit I actually gave a shit about you? Huh?!” Jared exclaimed, Evan’s anxiety escalating as his voice raised. He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing.

“For the love of god, Hansen, just let someone care okay?”

They pulled up to Evan’s house, both stumbling from the car. He tossed Jared the keys, unable to fit them into the lock with his trembling hands.

“I-I’m so sorry.” Evan whispered, not letting the tears spill from his eyes.

“Just shut up and get in the house.” Jared sighed, walking in before Evan. He tossed the keys onto the table, watching the anxiety stricken boy walk into the house, his phone turned on.

**{Texting Connor Murphey}**

**Connor**   
Evan, I’m sorry

 **Connor  
** Shit Ev, I still have anger issues, I try hard not to lash out but sometimes it happens over random things.

 **Connor**   
I almost never apologize, but you actually mean something to me

 **Connor**   
You’re the only friend I have.

 **Connor**   
Please reply

 **Connor**   
Ev, again I’m sorry

 **Connor  
** I can’t excuse everything on my anger issues but I hadn’t broken yet today until then.

 **Connor**   
I’m really trying, but I’m broken Evan. Remember, we are alike in many ways. I know how you feel.

 **Connor  
** I’m really not mad at you. I swear.

 **Connor**   
I don’t have a reason to be mad.

 **Connor  
** I’ll be over later if you don’t reply. Not to yell, just to make sure you’re okay. I don’t even know if you’re going home….

 **Connor  
** Ev, please reply.

 **Connor**   
Okay, I’ll stop spamming. I care about you Ev, please, don’t do anything stupid. I’ll be over at 7:00 PM. Don’t do anything dumb.

Evan stared at his phone, the tears now spilling over his cheeks. Jared stood to the side, unsure of what to really say.

“Is it Connor?”

_Yes_

“N-no…”

Jared raised an eyebrow.

“Y-yeah.”

“Can I see? I mean, I may tease you, but I don’t care if you’re gay as fuck. Your mom won’t either.” Jared inquired, reaching his hand out. Before he could think, Evan had already handed his phone over. Tonight, was one of the few nights his mom would be home early, early being 8:00.

“P-please don’t be m-mean to h-him.” Evan whispered, collapsing onto his couch, clutching a pillow to his chest. “And I’m not g-gay.”

_Yes you are you sick freak._

“Okay, so you’re bi. Or pan. Or whatever. You can have feelings for Murphey. I still don’t like the guy, but I can respect him for you. You two are cute though, Ev.” Jared shrugged, handing his phone back. “Mind if I stay till 7? I’ll leave then, but he seems to know more than I do about you.”

“S-sure.”

**BREAKBREAKBREAK**

The doorbell rang at 7:00 sharp, Evan jerking awake from a nightmarish sleep. Jared got up, jogging to the door apparently too slow, as Connor had begun to rap on the door. Muffled conversations made their way into the living room.

“He’s asleep, Murphey.”

“Is he okay”

“Yes-“

“Can I see him?”

“I said he’s sleeping.”

“I’m not angry at him. Look Jared I know I’m fucked up-“

“You threw a printer at a teacher.”

“In second grade. I’m never that violent anymore. Yes I push people and yes I yell, but shit Kleinman I’m trying.”

“Are you really?”

“It’s a fucking slow process.”

“I know, but-“

“I started therapy last week. Shit I can’t believe I just admitted that.”

“Um, good for you I guess.”

“I’ve never had a reason to get better before, but now I do and he’s sleeping in the other room. I won’t wake him, just let me there. Please?”

“Did I hear you correctly?”

“What?”

“Did _the_ Connor Murphey just say please?”

“Fuck off, Kleinman.”

Evan sat up on the couch, pulling himself to his feet. He shuffled his feet into the entry room, both teens already occupying the room turning to face him.

“T-thanks Jared. Y-you can g-go.” Evan stuttered, toying with his thumb on his broken hand again. Without a word, Jared walked out the front door, closing it behind him. He knew better than to try and talk with Evan, it would only cause more panic.

“Look Ev, I-“

“Let m-me talk, please. That was rude to interrupt you and I didn’t mean to insult you. I’m sorry for everything, especially for r-running. I g-got scared… when you raised your voice. You pushed m-me the day we first m-met and I-I thought you were going to do that again.”

“I wouldn’t do that again, ever. Did you hear anything with Jared?”

“I heard everything with J-Jared.”

“Then you know I’m trying. It’s not going to be fixed overnight.” Connor reasoned, seeing the sadness sink deep into Evan’s eyes.

“Believe me, I know. L-look, I don’t wanna f-fight. I got scared, I’m weak. I can’t realize my f-feelings for you-“

_That’s because you shouldn’t feel them, freak._

“And that’s okay. I’m sorry I’m so forward, I guess I have a lot to learn.” Connor nervously laughed, gently placing a hand onto his friend’s shoulder.

“H-hug it out? O-only if you want, I-I don’t want to make things weird.” Evan said, stopping as he was enveloped into a hug. Both teens wrapped their arms around each other, careful of the couple week old injures.

“Are we doing the friend thing too fast do you think?” Connor asked, pulling away.

“M-maybe a bit. But neither of us had friends before, so I guess as l-long as we aren’t mean to each other or too attached..”

“Then it’s okay. Healthy relationship and we’re good. You can’t be scared of me though, I won’t ever intentionally hurt you.”

“I know, I know. Still friends?” Evan asked, desperately wanting this conversation to be over. The last few hours had been a nervous hell for both of them.

“Still friends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to comment and leave kudos! I welcome feedback!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Connor feels bad and Evan talks to Heidi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH  
> \- TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia, swearing, self harm  
> \- All thoughts in italics are Evan’s thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.
> 
> THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS MILDLY GRAPHIC SELF HARM.

_ Italics are Connor’s thoughts _

_ This chapter contains self harm, mildly graphic. Be careful reading if you’re triggered easily.  _

Connor Murphey drove home in silence, relieved of his talk with Evan.

_You need to control yourself better. Stop yelling at the guy you want to date._

_You’ve only known him for two weeks._

_Teenagers fall in and out of love that fast. People make friends that fast. So what if Evan doesn’t feel that way quite yet, he said he would date you, he’s just nervous._

_But you’re a freak. And so is Evan. Why the fuck should you even bother?_

_Because he’s your friend._

Connor shook his head, pulling into the driveway of his family’s home. He took a few moments to pause, breathe, before getting out of his car. He walked to the front door, twisting the nob. He hadn’t even gotten into the house when Zoe’s voice came into the air.

“Done buying drugs, junkie?” She smirked, once again crossing her arms.

“Fuck off and mind your own fucking business.” Connor bit back, feeling the anger rise in his body. Zoe stood up from the couch she was on, her arms remaining crossed.

“You drove home high, didn’t you? Freak. You’ll get into a crash again.”

“Why the fuck do you care?”

“Because I don’t want my freak brother to hurt a poor innocent person. Although he doesn’t seem to care about that, remember what you did to Evan, Connor?” Zoe sneered, taking a few steps back as Connor lunged forward.

“Don’t mention that! That was an accident and you know it! I’ll say it again, fuck off Zoe!” He yelled, walking towards her to the point she was pressed against the wall.

“You hurt Evan, why would he even give a shit about _you_?” She pushed, laughing as she saw his anger levels rise through the roof.

“I don’t need to explain to you, you-“

“Connor!” Cynthia scolded, entering the room after hearing all the noise.

_Shit._

“Hey mom, Connor’s high again.”

“I am NOT high!” Connor defended, his body moving into fight or flight mode. He had already started to fight, flight was now kicking in.

“Connor, I don’t want you driving home high! I don’t want you high at all!” Cynthia yelled, sighing in frustration at her own son.

“He hurt Evan again too. I can tell by how he looks.” Zoe added, moving beside her mother.

“I did not-“

“Connor, is that why he didn’t come to dinner tonight? You hurt him?” Cynthia asked, some concern pegging her voice.

“I did not hurt Evan. It’s a long story but I didn’t hurt him!”

_Yes, you did. He hyperventilated, sobbed, and got scared of you. You did hurt him._

“Then why didn’t he come, huh?” Zoe butted in, the smirk plastered on her face.

“I don’t need to answer that. Just fuck off, Zoe!”

“Fuck off, Connor!”

“Both of you!” Cynthia yelled, but Connor was already walking to his room. He wanted nothing more than to text Evan, but he knew he should leave the other alone.

Locking the door to his room, Connor looked around the dark place. His pocket knife lay on his nightstand, drawing him in to relieve his pain. He hadn’t done that in nearly three weeks, ever since he met Evan he’s been able to refrain. Sure, he was drinking and smoking a little more than usual, but he hadn’t been cutting anymore.

The streak was about to stop.

Connor picked up the knife, rolling up the sleeve of his hoodie. He tucked his long hair behind his ears, making sure he could see the damage he was doing to his skin clearly. The pink and white scars mocked him, watching him.

_Don’t do it. Evan would be disappointed._

So he made the first cut. One for hurting Evan. One for probably hurting Zoe. One for himself. Three more to finish it off.

_And now Evan will hate you. He may be your friend now, but once he finds this out, you two are done for. He would never be your boyfriend._

A small tear of hatred for himself rolled down his cheek, a bandage from under his bed being wrapped around his bleeding arm. With it only being 8:00, Connor went to bed, hoping to sleep away some of his family’s troubles.

**BREAKBREAKBREAK**

_ Evan’s thoughts are in italics _

Evan Hansen returned to the couch after Connor left, curling in on himself with a pillow. Tears poured down his face, despite the good ending with his friend.

_You’re so pathetic Hansen. Did you forget you’re his parasite? You just latch on and make him sick. You’re horrible._

He continued to cry, beating himself up from the inside out. Heidi Hansen returned home, finding her son in more pain and discomfort than she wanted to ever see again. Motherly instinct kicking in, she immediately sat him up, cuddling her boy on the couch.

“I’m so sorry mom.” Evan muttered, his whole body and mind aching in agony. He felt on the outside how he did on the inside, broken and pathetic.

“What for?” Heidi asked, keeping an arm around her son. He was covered in sweat as if he had a fever, feeling as though there were birds pecking his insides. He felt he needed to tear himself apart to release the inside feeling.

“N-nothing.”

“It’s obviously something, sweetie.”

“I-I really don’t like this.” Evan squeaked, unsure how to tell his mom what was happening.

“Don’t like what? Evan, you can tell me anything.”

“Thinking... about a boy… how I should think about… a-a girl…” Evan whispered, closing his eyes to wait for his mom to yell. He waited for her to scold him, he waited for her to kick him out of the house, but it never came.

_You should just leave yourself, don’t wait for her to kick you out. Just leave and climb another tree._

“That’s okay, I don’t mind. Do you have a boyfriend? I’d love to meet him.” Heidi spoke, making Evan’s heart stop beating.

_She’s not mad, why isn’t she mad?!_

“I-I don’t have one. B-but I like girls t-too.” Evan mumbled, yanking on his thumb again. Heidi kissed her son’s forehead, making sure he could see her smile.

“And that’s okay too. Whatever makes you happy sweetie. Is that why you were crying?”

The tears began to form again and Evan spilled everything, relieved to tell someone everything. Especially with someone who won’t judge him for his feelings, as weird as it was to be 17 and talking with your mom like she was a therapist. Then again, what are mothers for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I welcome all comments and kudos. :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Connor goes to Evan’s for dinner instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH  
> \- TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia, swearing, mention self harm, self hate, mention of suicidal thoughts  
> \- All thoughts in italics are Evan’s thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.

Evan fumbled with the buttons on his shirt, staring at himself in the bathroom mirror. He could feel his hands clamming up, his breath seemingly rattling in his chest.

_Hideous. How could Connor ever like you?! Everything about you is broken. You even have feelings for the guy._

“Evan?” Heidi asked, knocking on the bathroom door. Sniffling and wiping away a tear he didn’t know formed, he took a deep breath.

“I’m coming. It’s still hard to button up my shirt.” Evan lied, unlocking the bathroom door and emerging.

“You look like you got it. I need to run into work and class quick to pick some things up, so Connor will get here before I get back. I won’t be long, only an hour. I promise sweetie, I’ll come back soon.” She reassured, giving her son a quick hug before waving goodbye.

Evan sighed, walking down the stairs into the kitchen. He pulled at the hem of his shirt his breath jolting as the doorbell rang. Fumbling over his feet, he opened the door, a small gasp escaping his lips. Connor stood before him, his hair finally not greasy. A black hoodie hung loosely on his body, his nails newly painted the same color.

_Wow he looks amazing._

_What the hell is wrong with you-_

_It’s okay if I like Connor_

_It’s not._

_I guess not…_

“Uh, Evan?” Connor’s voice broke in, his hand waving in front of Evan’s face.

“Y-yeah?” Evan muttered, noticing his hands starting to shake.

“Can I, um, you know, come in?” He laughed, stepping beside Evan in the doorway. He nodded, making more room for his friend to center his house.

“So, um, t-this is the entry way. The bathroom is down that hall there, the kitchen and dining room is through the living room. The living room is um, t-the room we have now moved in to right now…” Evan muttered, just realizing he had walked Connor to the living room.

“Nice. Relax Ev, where’s your mom?” Connor asked, awkwardly sitting down onto the worn couch.

“She had to run to work quick. Said she would be an hour. She had to get paychecks and books and homework and stuff. Wow I’m sharing too much I’m sorry.” Evan rambled, sitting down beside Connor on the couch.

“You apologize a lot.”

“Sorry.”

“There you go again.”

“Oh! Sor-“

Evan stopped, clenching his fists to get himself to breathe. Connor furrowed his brows with concern, thinking back to when he cut himself last night.

“Dude, um, just relax. Should I, uh, hug you again? That worked a yesterday…” He offered, gently reaching over to Evan. The smaller boy nodded, scooting closer to his best friend on the couch.

“Thank you. I’m… um… I feel bad about yesterday. You didn’t d-deserve that.” Evan whispered, gently placing his head on Connor’s shoulder. Connor’s arm wrapped around his back, his hand settling on his waist. A blush crept up on both boy’s cheeks, but neither wanted to move.

_Evan, you freak, stop liking this. You’re a boy._

_I can like him._

_No, you can’t. You can’t at all. This is not okay, you piece of shit._

“It’s okay. We both freaked out.” Connor shrugged, unable to keep his heart from fluttering in his chest. Evan Hansen, the adorable equally broken boy, was actually cuddling with him.

“Connor.” He spoke, his voice sounding broken. Evan slowly rolled up Connor’s sleeve, revealing the few cuts, red with being brand new.

“Ev, um, don’t worry about that.” Connor reassured, using his open hand to roll his sleeve down again. He held Evan tighter, needing something to hang on to.

“I didn’t know you did t-that… was it because of m-me? I know it’s s-selfish to think and I-I’m sorry, b-but please don’t d-d-do that again Connor. Please. Please.” Evan stuttered, pulling his friend closer as well. The two remained in silence for a few minutes, taking some time to let the news sink in.

“I was just fucking upset I guess. Zoe thinking I went out to get high, mom believing her. The looks of disappointment suck, you know? But I wasn’t high, just hanging out with you. Zoe also managed to convince my mom that I hurt you. I don’t know if she meant physically or emotionally.” Connor began to rant, dumping everything. “I wouldn’t do that, just know that. But.. it stung. I couldn’t call you.”

“Always call m-me. I may have a p-panic attack, b-but it’ll b-be worth it. Call.” Evan insisted, burying his head into Connor’s neck.

_What. The. Fuck. He’s probably really weirded out you freak._

But Connor wasn’t weirded out, he had all he could ever want. “We just fought Ev, I didn’t want to. Next time I’ll call. Just… to be blunt for lack of better words… fuck off about it for now?”

“O-okay.”

“So, what now?”

“Can we stay like this?”

“Yeah, we can stay like this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave comments and kudos! They make my day!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Connor meets Heidi and Jared isn't helpful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH  
> \- TRIGGER WARNINGS: internalized homophobia, swearing, mention self harm, self hate, suicidal thoughts with details.  
> \- All thoughts in italics are Evan’s thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.  
> \- I promise I love Jared! He won’t be a jerk for too much longer!  
> \- Really long chapter!

Heidi Hansen came home from her errands, closing the front door as quietly as possible. Evan hadn’t really had a friend over before, besides Jared, but she couldn’t help but feel as though she needed to tiptoe.

The door to the living room was open, the back of Connor’s head and part of the back of Evan’s hair faced her. Her son was resting his head on Connor’s shoulder, their arms presumably entangled together. For the first time in a long time, even though it was only part of the back of his head, Evan seemed truly at peace.

“Um, hey boys.” Heidi interrupted, a small part of her heart sinking as she broke them up.

“Oh, uh, mom hi. We weren’t, nothing was, I didn’t mean-“

“What Evan means to say is we aren’t dating, just friends. Hi, I’m Connor.” Connor saved, reaching his hand for Heidi to shake. The way he looked at her, his eyes were full of fear.

“Hi Connor, I’m Heidi. We’ve met when Evan was in the hospital, but it’s good to probably be introduced.” She smiled, accepting his offer of the hand shake. “And Connor, sweetie, about what I saw on the couch-“

“I’m sorry.” He cut off, causing Evan to be taken aback. Connor was apologizing to his mom, something he never expected to happen.

_He really cares._

_Pfft no._

“No no, I’m not mad. I just wanted to say that I’m okay with all of that. Evan talked to me and if he’s happy, I’m happy. I really don’t mind. You don’t need to worry around here, it’s alright.” Heidi reassured, watching a smile grow on Evan’s face. She hadn’t seen him so happy in so long, it was refreshing.

“Oh, well, thank you.” Connor smiled, glancing his eyes down. His sleeve was still rolled up, the new cuts sticking out like ugly sores. If Heidi noticed, she didn’t point it out. It made Connor wonder if she had seen that on Evan before, his smile fading at the idea.

“Tacos good for dinner? I started before I left, but I doubt Evan continued.” She teased, gently shoving her son’s shoulder. Evan blushed a deep red color, even more than he did when he was with Connor.

“I- I can help. I’m n-not completely u-useless.” Evan stuttered, a small laugh escaping his lips. Connor squeezed his shoulder, following Heidi through the door into the kitchen.

“I’ll help, Ms. Hansen. I usually don’t at home, my mom has some weird rules when it comes to food. That and my sister can f- screw off.” Connor laughed, watching as Evan nervously eyed the knives set out to cut vegetables. They shared a look, exchanging words through their soft, brown eyes.

“I-I’ll cut the peppers. And lettuce. And anything else that needs cutting.” Evan nervously stammered, sounding like a child. Heidi raised an eyebrow, but handed over the knives and cutting boards. With his broken arm, the difficulty level was increased, but he still managed.

“Thanks for helping, but you really don’t need to Connor. You are the guest.” Heidi pointed out, frying some meat for dinner.

“I don’t mind.” Connor insisted, trying to make the best first impression he could. The smile and blush on Evan’s face was far worth it.

\-------------------

Dinner went smoothly, small talk being made over the food. Evan barely ate half a taco, Connor, on the other half, eating three. Heidi watched the two of the carefully, almost over watching Connor. She had noticed the cuts on his arms and didn’t want Evan to fall back into that habit with concern. She didn’t like Connor doing it either, but her first concern was her son.

When Evan was younger, he used to self-harm when Heidi wouldn’t return home on time from her shifts. He would get so worried something happened to his mother that he couldn’t take the pain, needing a way to physically release it.

“Connor, would you mind helping me with dishes? I want to talk to you.” Heidi began, clearing away some plates to the table. She froze, rethinking how she phrased her question. “You’re not in trouble, hun. I just have a few questions.”

“Sure.” Connor spoke a little too loudly, receiving a wince from Evan. He frowned, wanting to reach out and hold his adorable friend’s good hand. “Sorry.” He whispered, taking a deep breath to keep himself calm. Gathering plates in his arms, Connor followed Heidi into the kitchen, beginning to scrape food into garbage.

“I just wanted to tell you somethings.” Heidi whispered, being sure Evan couldn’t hear her. He had left the dining room to go to the living room, his off-brand phone in hand.

Connor raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to continue. “What?”

“I saw your arm. And I want you to know that you can talk to me if you want. I’m a nurse so I can get you in with a therapist if you want or if this is a rare thing, we can start with me. I won’t judge you.” She dumped, taking a deep breath at the end of her ramble.

“Wow, that’s generous of you. But, I have an anger issue. When I do things like this, I tend to scare people. My parents and sister think I’m high most of the time. I tried to kill myself a couple years ago and when I told my dad I was going to do it, he told me I wanted attention. My mom tried, rehab and all, but my dad insisted I didn’t need it. Therapy isn’t an option, Ms. Hansen.” Connor confessed, wanting to kick himself for over sharing. There was something about Heidi Hansen that was just soothing, making it easy to spill your secrets.

“Then call me. You can call Evan and he can connect you to me and if it’s not bad, talk to him. I just want you to know that Evan used to do what you do. He would get worried about me and do things to himself.” Heidi persisted, beginning to actually wash the dishes.

“He used to cut?” Connor asked, sadly unsurprised. Evan did jump out of a tree after all.

“A lot. I’m not sure if he does now, he tends to distance himself from me with his mental health. It’s to be expected of course, but I just don’t want him to worry too much for you. He has help now, but I just don’t want that to start again. I’m sorry Connor, you can reach out to him, just be careful.”

“I will Ms. Hansen. I get your concern.”

“Thank you. Honestly, I think you’ll be good for him. Not the possible worry and such, but relationship wise. He only had Jared has a friend.”

“And Jared’s a half-assed fucker. I tend to curse a lot.”

“It’s alright, just something you can work on if you’d like. Jared’s not perfect, but he’s always been there.”

“Guess so. You’re really cool with me being gay and hanging out with Evan?”

“Of course! I don’t see a reason why not. He did tell me everything, he rambles when he’s upset. I know he’s considering bisexuality. Again, if he’s happy, I’m happy.” Heidi reassured, the smile never seeming to fade.

“I’m usually not this soft.” Connor informed, wanting to find Evan again. He felt over the moon, happier than he had been since he could remember.

“I can tell. But, I think you two would be cute. You can go sit with him, I’ll finish up.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

Connor set the towel down, making his way through the dining room to the living room. Evan was laying on the couch, his face red from tears. Concern swelled through his body, curiosity consuming his mind. He looked scared, unwanting for Connor to proceed.

“Hey.”

***Earlier after dinner***

Evan sat down on the couch, his phone in hand. Messages lit up the screen, messages from none other than Jared Kleinman.

 **Jared**  
Dude the girl I got to second base with at camp wants to come over.

 **Jared  
** Remember, my super awesome summer?

 **Evan**  
You lied about that right?

 **Jared  
** About what?

 **Evan  
** Second base

 **Jared  
** Why would I do that?

 **Evan**  
So you could be cool?

 **Jared**  
I’m not lying Hansen. How was your date with psycho?

 **Evan**  
Not a date.

 **Jared  
** Suure. Just you and your bf.

 **Evan**  
He’s not my boyfriend.

 **Jared  
** Just screw him and make it official

 **Evan**  
Why?

 **Jared**  
Bc ur both gay as FUCK for each other

 **Evan**  
No…

 **Jared  
** Really, just do it.

_No no no no NO! Evan, stop all of this now!_

**Evan**  
Jared, really, stop.

 **Jared**  
alright alright, keep your pants on

 **Evan**  
what

 **Jared  
** Nothing

 **Evan**  
I’m not gay. I can’t be

 **Jared**  
Okay don’t go all homophobic on me

 **Evan  
** I shouldn’t be gay

 **Jared  
** Didn’t I say your mom wouldn’t give a shit and still love u? Already ahead of my fam

 **Evan  
** You’re not gay

 **Jared  
** Love is love babe. Rn I got a woman, one with good boobs.

 **Evan**  
okay cool

 **Jared  
** Have fun with Connor

 **Evan  
** bye Jared

_He’s right, you shouldn’t be homophobic to yourself._

_But you’re feelings are so wrong, freak. Why don’t you go take all your-_

_No! Connor would-_

_Who cares?_

_I do, but-_

_Do it. Evan Hansen do it!_

Evan made it halfway up the stairs before he stopped, his confusion settling him on the steps. He dragged himself back down, leaving his bottle of anxiety meds upstairs. No one could know of this, they would send him away.

He returned to the couch, furiously wiping the tears from his face. He couldn’t help this confusion, this pain consuming every inch of his body.

Connor emerged from the dining room, a big smile plastered on his face. It quickly melted as he viewed Evan, concern knitting his brows instead. Evan mentally begged Connor to stay away, but he also wanted his friend to come closer. His emotions were too much, they were too overwhelming.

_Don’t talk, you’ll just freak him out you self-absorbed mess of broken pieces. He can’t see the real you, not even your mom. They’d just hate you too._

“Hey.” Connor’s voice broke, Evan’s heart skipping a beat at his beautiful voice.

_Shit. Shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments and kudos! I don't bite and the comments always make me smile! I love them so much.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Connor holds Evan and they have an even deeper talk than before, not ending well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH  
> \- TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia, swearing, talk of self harm, self hate, mention of suicidal thoughts, SUICIDE ATTEMPT  
> \- All thoughts in italics are Evan’s thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.  
> \- I swear things will get happier, it’s just rough right now!

**Thank you to @ dear.evxn.hxnsen for an idea I use in a part of this chapter. I did ask first and I have permission, but credit to them for their idea!**

**THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS A SUICIDE ATTEMPT. READ AT OWN RISK. THIS IS GOING TO BE THE SADDEST CHAPTER OF THE BOOK PROBABLY. **

_“Hey.” Connor’s voice broke, Evan’s heart skipping a beat at his beautiful voice._

_Shit_

“P-please don’t worry.” Evan whispered, freezing his muscles so he couldn’t move. The last thing he wanted to do was quickly move, startling Connor into tackling him. Because if Connor tackled him, his mom wouldn’t allow Connor near him again. Or worse, she would know about how broken Evan was.

“Um, do I need to?” Connor asked, moving Evan’s feet on the couch. He sat down, his friend curling in on himself, closing himself off.

“N-no…”

_Don’t bother him, don’t bother him._

“I think I do. Do you want to um, talk somewhere else? I’ll talk to your mom, she seems to like me. Fucking weird huh?” He joked, trying to lighten the mood.

“I-I want to go s-some w-where.” Evan stuttered out, his mind racing with everything his mom could say.

_She won’t let me go, we have school tomorrow. If I can’t talk to Connor then you are going to be done. Be done with everything._

“Be right back.” Connor whispered, resisting the urge to kiss Evan on the cheek. He wasn’t used to allowing himself to think so openly, but obviously his friend didn’t want that.

Heidi was finishing the dishes, looking up when she saw Connor walk back in. “Is everything okay?” She asked, her smile fading. Senses told her that something wasn’t right.

“Evan is freaking out a bit and didn’t want to ask you to go, so… here I am I guess. I’ve never asked for anything like this before so…” Connor muttered, realizing how truly clueless he was when it came to asking permission. Usually he just left, yelling he was going out as he went through the front door. Or, he just snuck out through his window.

“Is he okay?” Heidi urged, making herself take deep breaths. She could hear Evan’s feet battering upstairs, most likely getting his jacket. Nor Connor or Heidi could know what was happening, what he was actually doing.

“I don’t know. But I’ll keep him safe. I was planning to just drive around and go to this ice cream place go to. I won’t crash this time, last time was… special. I won’t let anything happen I-“

“Can we go?” Evan interrupted, sneaking into the kitchen. “Sorry, I’m sorry. That was rude I shouldn’t have interrupted. I’m sorry.”

“You can go, but back by 10? Or 11? I don’t know, I’ve never made you a curfew before.” Heidi smiled, hiding her worry for Evan’s sake. He looked bad, his face swollen from tears, red cheeks.

“We won’t be out late. Just a couple hours.” Connor reassured, placing a light hand on Evan’s shoulder. He winced, shying away from his only friend. Heidi watched them go, pushing back the tears in her eyes. She knew Connor wouldn’t hurt her son, but that didn’t mean Evan wouldn’t hurt himself.

\------------------

Connor drove out of town, deciding to take back roads and the longest way possible to _A La Mode_. If Evan deserved anything right now, it was an ice-cream cone.

“I… really can’t accept my feelings. I-I know I have… feelings for you...”

_Freak_

“B-but I h-hate m-myself for it.”

Good

Connor’s heart sank into his feet, anger swelling through his body. His breathing escalated, Evan noticing.

“I’m not mad about you not knowing how you feel. But just, stop fucking hating yourself!” Connor yelled, readjusting his focus to driving.

“Like you don’t! You know it’s not e-easy! Connor y-you cut! I used to! I still d-“ Evan stopped, his eyes widening, his breath wheezing. Connor barely looked phased, the news unsurprising.

“I know. As you know, I do too. But, good! You yelled! You fucking needed that, Ev.” Connor raised, surprising Evan with his reaction.

“I just… don’t know… what t-to do.” Evan stuttered, relieved when Connor pulled over the car. The Sun was setting, leaving some light left for the boys.

“Come on, we’re going on a small hike to a lake. It’s a quarter of a mile from here. I usually smoke alone there.”

“O-okay.”

The hike was uneventful, both taking a few minutes to cool down. Evan immediately laid down at the base of a tree, half of him wanting Connor to lay with him. His wish came true, his best friend wrapping an arm around him.

Connor pulled him close, tears pushing on his eyes as Evan began to weep into his chest. “Shh.” He cooed, gently rubbing Evan’s back. He rested his friend’s head over his chest, right above his heart. “Listen to my heartbeat.”

“W-what?” Evan whispered, seeming to refuse to move his face.

“Listen to my heart. When one person is panicking or upset, someone can hold them and sink their heartbeat with theirs.” Connor explained, keeping his friend curled into his arms. He couldn’t help but think back to the previous time this happened, the anger and anxiety resurfacing.

“I had…  I wanted to… s-show you…” Evan mumbled, fumbling his unbroken hand into his pocket. He pulled out a bottle of pills, pushing himself away from Connor.

Connor shuffled away from the tree, fear consuming his body. He saw Evan suddenly turn into himself, the pills becoming a symbol of everything bad that could happen.

“What the _fuck_ , Ev.” Connor gasped, unsure of what to do.

“I-I don’t think I’ll die from what I took-“

“You took some?! Shit shit _shit_!” Connor yelled, yanking the bottle from his friend. He searched the label for the number of pills it contained, his heart sinking as he realized over half had to be missing. “Why didn’t you fucking _tell_ me before you did this! Get in the fucking car! Now!”

Evan shuffled to his feet, tears pouring down his face more than before. Connor had now let himself cry, his stomach lurching. They made it back to the car, having to stop once while Connor heaved and threw up his dinner. He couldn’t believe this was happening, he couldn’t even think about what was happening.

“I-I’m s-s-sorry!” Evan sobbed, feeling as though he needed to rip his heart from his chest. He ached, he hurt more than he thought he could.

_You shouldn’t have told Connor. You shouldn’t have told Connor. _

“Fucking hell!” Connor yelled, breaking nearly every traffic law as he began to drive to the hospital. He had been in this situation before. Only last time, he was in the passenger seat and he hadn’t told anyone what was wrong.

“They c-can’t take m-me away from my m-mom. T-they can’t t-take me f-from y-you!” Evan exclaimed, his hyperventilating and medication finally taking over. His breathing slowed, the consciousness leaving his body.

“No no! Awake! Ev!” Connor panicked, pressing down the gas pedal. He could barely see with the tears running down his face, everything he knew crumbling apart. “Why the _fuck_ do I ruin everything!”

No response. Evan was out cold.

Pulling into the Emergency Room parking lot, Connor put the car into park and ran inside. A thousand possibilities ran through his mind, pain throbbing in his chest.

“You have to help my friend. He tried to kill himself. Please, please help.” He pleaded, standing in the middle of the waiting room. No one directly came to him until he spoke. Frantically, Connor led them to his car, watching as Evan’s pale, sweaty body was moved onto a gurney. An oxygen mask was already strapped onto his face, the doctor’s exchanging scared looks.

“Is there anyone we can contact, sir?” A nurse asked, placing a comforting hand on Connor’s arm.

“His mom. She works here. Heidi Hansen.” Connor whispered, his feet gluing to the ground. A man slowly walked over, carefully taking Connor’s car keys away.

“Follow me, I’ll bring you to our waiting room and call his mom.”

“Is he going to be okay?”

“Are you family?”

“I’m his f- boyfriend. I’m his boyfriend.”

“Okay, let’s go sit down. Can I get you anything?”

“No.” Connor whispered, emotions pouring through his body. For the first time in a long time, he began to sob. Hating himself for everything that could have happened.

_This is all my fault._

_\---------_

**The synching of their heartbeats was what I borrowed from Instagram. Thanks again to them for letting me use it!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave comments and kudos! Sorry for all the sad! This should be the saddest chapter of the whole book. I would love to know what you all think!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Connor and Heidi wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH  
> \- TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia, swearing, talk of self harm, self hate, mention of suicide attempt   
> \- All thoughts in italics are Evan’s thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.  
> \- I swear things will get happier, it’s just rough right now!  
> \- Short chapter

**Thoughts are Connor’s.**

Connor’s world slowed down to a snail pace the instant he sat down in the hospital waiting room. His mind swam with everything that could be happening to Evan, everything that would happen between the two of them. Heidi would be crushed, he had basically promised to keep Evan safe.

_Evan did this to get away from you. You broke him._

Connor longed for the touch of the blade on his skin, but knew he couldn’t do that now. He was sitting in a hospital surrounded by doctors trained to see things like that. A psychiatrist would most likely be down to see him, for some reason he couldn’t control the tears rolling down his cheeks.

_They won’t admit you, they can’t. You can’t do this to Evan. You fucked him up enough._

He choked on his tongue as a frantic mother entered the ER, her face swollen from her tears. Heidi Hansen stopped at the nurse’s station, asking for any possible news on her son. A sob racked through her body when there was none to give, a woman leading her to the waiting room, sitting her beside Connor.

_She’s going to hate you for everything you did to Evan. Your parents will be even more disappointed, if that’s even possible. They’ll think you killed him._

_Oh god what if he’s dead?!_

Heidi took a shaky breath, her voice breaking the intense silence between them. “W-what happened?” She squeaked, her hands trembling so bad she could barely hold her purse.

“W-we were, h-he was-“ Connor stopped, taking a few moments to collect himself. His whole body trembled, fresh tears brewed his eyes.

Just spit it out.

“We were talking by this lake. I thought he could use something new to c-calm down. He said he was having a hard time accepting himself and I said it was okay. H-he took the pills before we left. I never saw him do it.” Connor took a break, regathering his thoughts to form the story. “I had him yell in the car. I thought it would help him release some emotion and it seemed to… help. I never should’ve worked him up like that..”

“Y-you said he took them before he left?” Heidi gasped, swallowing a lump in her throat.

“He-he must’ve. He felt homophobic to himself. He must’ve been pushed over the edge tonight.” Connor added, using the sleeves of his large hoodie to wipe his eyes.

“Connor, I am going to hug you.” She told him, not giving him time to answer before her arms wrapped around him. He pressed his face into her shoulder, allowing himself to audibly sob while her body muffled his sound. Heidi continued to cry, both leaning on each other for support.

“Did the nurses tell you anything?” Connor asked, gently pulling away. He knew he should thank her for the hug, but they both knew that they needed that desperately. A ‘thank you’ would ruin the moment.

“Just that they were ‘assessing the physical damage.’” Heidi mumbled, her voice breaking in some anger.

“This isn’t about me, but I need to ask, do you blame me? Because I can leave if you do. Really.” Connor muttered, terrified of her answer.

“I don’t. Evan told me about… the tree. His therapist cleared him, we thought things were going up. Sure, the other night was a step down, but he had gone through worse. He never mentioned feeling this… lost.”

“He didn’t tell me either until… until he showed me the pills… I swear I drove him straight here.”

“I know you did. I know.”

_She doesn’t hate you for some strange reason. Who wouldn’t hate an unpredictable freak like you?_

Silence overtook the two once again. Neither knew what to say, neither knew what to do. That wasn’t until Connor’s phone rang.

“Connor! You need to get home this instant!” His mother’s angry voice broke though the speakers, spurring on Connor to start crying again.

“Evan’s in the hospital, I’m staying with him.” Connor spoke, leveling his voice so she wouldn’t know of his tears.

“Oh... I’m sorry. What happened?”

“Too much to explain. Bottom line is that I-I didn’t hurt him.”

_Yes, you did._

“I’m sorry, Connor. Are his parents there?” Cynthia asked, Connor nodding in reply. It took him longer than it should have for him to realize she couldn’t see him.

“Y-yeah.”

“Can I talk to his mom or dad?”

Connor poked Heidi gently on the shoulder, handing over his phone. He stopped listening as the conversation exchanged, waiting for his phone back. But more importantly, for news on Evan.

_You killed him. He doesn’t want you here._

The phone was back in his hand, his mother’s voice back in his ears. “Be home soon Connor, I’m sorry about Evan. Keep us updated.”

“Thanks.” He whispered, hitting the red end call button on his phone.

_She doesn’t mean that. She thinks you hurt him, she knows you hurt him._

Shaking his head, Connor stopped his thoughts. He couldn’t focus on that now, he had to think of Evan.

Time passed slowly, seconds feelings like hours. It felt like days before a nurse walked over, a chart in her arms.

“Family of Evan Hansen?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for all the comments!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan is in the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH  
> \- TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia, swearing, mention of suicide attempt   
> \- All thoughts in italics are Evan’s thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.  
> \- I swear things will get happier, it’s just rough right now!

**Thoughts are Connors**

_“Family of Evan Hansen?”_

“That’s us.” Heidi spoke, standing up from her chair so fast her purse tumbled from her lap. Connor caught it, standing up almost as fast.

“He’s in quite a bit of pain. We can’t give him anything for it, so he’s just going to have to push through. He’s conscious and will be for a while, but he’s weak.” The nurse began to explain, being cut off by a sigh from both Heidi and Connor.

“But, he’s okay? Like, physically?” Connor asked, feeling his heart rise in his chest with relief.

“Yes, physically he should be okay. We will need to keep him here a few days for physical observation, not counting the psychiatric care. The pills he took were strong, we are worried about possible liver damage. So far, he doesn’t have the signs, but we need to make sure. You’re the one that brought him in, right? His boyfriend?”

“Y-yes ma’am.” Connor blushed, sharing a surprised side glance with Heidi.

“You’re Connor?”

“Y-yes?”

“He talked about you a lot once we got him back to consciousness. Evan wanted to make it clear it wasn’t your fault. He said if you hadn’t offered going somewhere, he probably would be dead. There’s truth to what he said. He only passed out because he was hyperventilating and the medication increased breathing difficulty.”

“So if Connor hadn’t been there…” Heidi began to say, receiving a nod from the nurse.

“He would have died.” The nurse paused. “I can take you to see him.”

“Can we have a minute?” Heidi asked, turning to face Connor. “If there’s anything I’ve learned from family therapy it’s that we can’t blame ourselves unless we need to. And Connor, we don’t.”

Connor nodded, allowing himself to take a deep breath. “I saved his life? I think I’m why he took them in the first place.”

“If I may,” the nurse intervened, “he confessed it was a form internal homophobia. It would have happened sooner or later. His broken arm was an attempt or self harm we assumed, so he was just having it rough. He took the medicine himself because he wanted to do something, not because he hated you. I’ve seen this before sadly.”

“Can we just see him now?” Connor begged, not wanting to talk about this topic anymore.  

“I concur.”

“Right this way.” The nurse said, leading the two of them to an elevator. Silence lulled over them for thousandth time that night, putting an angry pressure on their chests.

The door dinged, breaking through the tension.

“One last thing, do not raise your voices or say anything that could work him up. He needs to remain very calm.” The nurse stopped, placing a hand on the doorknob. She waited for both to nod in acknowledgment before slowly opening the door.

Evan was propped up in a bed, a pillow clenched to his chest. His broken arm was clasped over the pillow, his good arm poked with an IV needle. His body was drenched in sweat, yet he shivered almost violently. Brown eyes connected with Connor’s, glancing away to look at his mom.

“Evan…” Heidi whispered, gently taking a seat beside her son on the bed. Connor pulled over a chair, doing his best to keep things quiet.

“I’m sorry.” Evan murmured, relaxing as his mother gently placed a hand on his cheek.

“I know, sweetie. I know. I love you so much.” She added, gently placing a kiss on her son’s forehead. He winced in pain, his stomach cramping in pain from it being pumped.

“I love you too, mom.” He replied, adjusting his head to face Connor. Evan’s eyes drooped, his eyelids covering most of the soft, brown iris’. “I heard y-you’re my b-boyfriend.”

“It was impulse. They wouldn’t tell me anything unless I said that. I’m sorry if it hurt you more.” Connor whimpered, gently placing his hand on Evan’s arm, above the IV.

“No… I actually… it h-helped. I’m sure you heard about the i-internalized h-homophobia.”

“I did and dude, how the fuck does it help for me to say you’re my boyfriend?”

Evan laughed weakly, his laugh leading to a soft cough. “Makes it official I g-guess. I-I could f-f-fight it easier when it was a-all in m-my head. Now it’s real.”

Heidi opened her mouth, deciding to cut in. “And honey, I’m glad you have a boyfriend. Remember, I don’t really care who you love. As long as they make you happy.”

“Do I make you happy?” Connor couldn’t help but wonder, replaying the events in his head.

“You do. I-it’s my issue. I’m sorry I scared you.” Evan’s voice faded, adjusting as he moved to a new position on the stiff hospital bed.

“Just don’t fucking do it again. Ever.”

“We love you too much Evan.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Heidi and Connor simultaneously spoke, both giving Evan’s arm a gentle squeeze of reassurance.

“C-can I try to sleep?” Evan asked, not waiting for a reply before closing his eyes. Heidi kissed his forehead again, whispering an ‘I love you’ before moving to a chair across the room.

Connor stood from his chair, hesitantly moving the shirt bangs from Evan’s forehead. He placed his lips on his new boyfriend’s skin, gently leaving a soft kiss. Evan’s lips twitched into a smile, his breath steadying.

_I love you, Evan Hansen._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love and adore all the comments and kudos!


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan is released from the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH  
> \- TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia, swearing, talk of self harm, mention of suicide attempt   
> \- All thoughts in italics are Evan’s thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.

**Three Weeks Later**

Connor sat in his car outside the hospital, Jared Kleinman in the passenger seat. Neither boy would tease the other, knowing they wouldn’t win.

A teddy bear sat in Connor’s lap, a sketch of a tree attached to its hand. He had used words to describe Evan to make the shape, a small heart etched into the park. Jared clutched a sketch book to his chest, a case of pencils sitting in his lap. Both teens had wanted to get gifts for Evan, guilt still riddling their bodies.

“So, uh, you two are still a thing?” Jared asked, trying to break the silence barrier.

“None of your fucking business, Kleinman.” Connor snapped, not wanting to have this conversation.

“Just a question, Murphy. The bear you got him is, uh, cute.” Jared cringed, trying to contain his laugher. He didn’t have to for much longer, Connor just broke out in laughter. Carefully, he joined in, both turning beet red with laughter.

“Shit, I needed that.” Connor admitted, looking over to Evan’s ‘family’ friend.

“I did too. I couldn’t help but think it was my fault, you know? He texted me before he did… what he did… I teased him about his feelings. It’s what we usually do, he seemed fine.” Jared confessed, unable to stop his rambling. “I never meant for this to happen… he’s forgiven me, he said he did. But, I’m not sure.”

“Just, uh, don’t be an asshole. That’ll get you far in life.” Connor joked, playfully punching Jared on the shoulder. The tension between them was fading, but they both knew their emotions were too heightened. Connor couldn’t help his anger and Jared couldn’t help his insults.

“Explains a lot.”

“Do you even fucking _have_ friends?”

Jared stopped, the smile he previously had on his face disappearing. “I’m not going to pour out my fucking heart and soul to you.”

“Relax, just a question.”

“Why don’t you relax?”

“I am relaxed.”

“I really don’t think you are.”

“You’re starting bullshit, Kleinman.”

They stopped talking, taking a moment to breathe. “I don’t have friends. My parents say I bury my issues and shit in insults. I’m the one everyone rolls their eyes at when I walk over.”

“We have more in common than you think.”

Before Jared could reply, Heidi Hansen tapped on the car window, startling them both. “He’s ready. It would mean a lot if you could both walk out with him.”

“Let’s go.”

[][][][][][][][][][][][]

Evan sat in a chair on the third floor, his therapist and nurses for the past few weeks around him. His heart rate increased at all the attention, other people across the waiting room glancing over at him. Their faces were filled with envy or grief, only a few with happiness. All the emotions seemed to be directed at him.

“Your mom is now in charge of your meds. I know you feel juvenile because of that, but you can understand why.” A nurse started, the smile on her face beginning to creep Evan out.

“Yeah.” He mumbled, picking at the cast on his arm. He would only need the cast for another week, after that, his arm was free.

“You have the resource numbers and you know what to do. You have new therapy options lined up and you know how to communicate with others for what you need.” His psychiatrist picked up where the nurse left off, speaking to him as if he was five.

“I’ll talk to my mom, Connor, or Jared.” Evan confirmed, resisting the urge to sigh. The smiles on the nurses’ faces showed that he answered everything correctly. Evan was finally going to be able to go home.

Minutes passed like hours until his family and friends walked through the door. He hadn’t seen them since he was transmitted to psych nearly three weeks ago. Evan could have his mom and Connor, even Jared, while he was admitted for possible liver damage. After that, he couldn’t see his family anymore.

Tripping over his feet, Evan ran to his mother’s arm. He knocked Connor in the chest with is cast as he swung his arms around Heidi, craving the safety he felt from the three people that now entered the room.

“I missed you so much, sweetie.” Heidi muttered, tears running down her cheeks. If anyone had a rough time, it was her.

“I missed you too.” Evan whispered, moving away from his mother so he could hug Connor. Heidi was led away by the nurses to talk, wiping her tears away from her cheek.

“Hey Ev.” Connor grinned, pulling his new boyfriend into a hug. Evan smiled, trying to keep his thoughts under control. He didn’t know how Connor had been.

_What if he cut? What if he cut a lot?_

“Are you okay?” Evan couldn’t help but whisper into his ear, moving Connor’s long brown hair out of the way.

“I didn’t do… anything… if that’s what you mean.”

The smile on Evan’s face could melt even the coldest hearts. “I’m so proud of you.”

“I’m proud of you too, Ev.”

Jared cleared his throat, tapping Evan on the shoulder. “As your only friend, since you have now deemed this one,” he looks at Connor, “as your boyfriend, I must break this, heartwarming, public display of affection apart.”

“I missed you too, Jared. I’m sorry for…” Evan muttered, taken aback by the hug he was enveloped in. It only lasted a few seconds, Jared straightening his glasses and shirt after.

“So am I, dude. Just, don’t fucking do that shit again, okay?” Jared spoke, trying to act all tough. Evan and Connor saw right through it, but said nothing of it.

“Okay guys, let’s go home. You two have gifts for Evan in Connor’s car, but he’ll be driving home with me.” Heidi interrupted, placing a hand on her son’s shoulder. Everyone nodded in acknowledgement, helping Evan with a tub of his stuff the nurses had brought out.

Once outside the hospital doors, Connor stopped, taking Evan’s hand in his. He stopped, making sure Jared and Heidi had their backs turned to them before he leaned over, pecking Evan on the lips.

Both froze, their hearts bursting through their chests. If this were a movie, butterflies would have been released and the music would’ve increased.

They simultaneously opened their mouths, reading each other’s minds for the words that followed.

“I’ve been waiting three weeks for that kiss."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments and kudos! They make my day!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan is officially home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH  
> \- TRIGGER WARNING: swearing, mention of suicide attempt   
> \- All thoughts in italics are Evan’s thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.  
> \- PLEASE READ THE END NOTE

The drive home was uneventful, Evan resisting every urge in his body to hold his mom’s hand. Heidi had always been there for him, she didn’t leave him like his father. Holding her hand now would be juvenile and dumb, but he couldn’t help wanting to.

Evan had been deprived of any human touch besides the nurses checking his blood pressure every day. Not that he had much to begin with, he was usually alone until he met Connor.

_He probably lied about not hurting himself. You know he did, just didn’t want to admit it around Jared._

_Jared probably did something bad too. Sure, he’s an ass, but he cares in his own strange way. I guess._

_Wait, you aren’t insulting yourself for Connor kissing you? Wow._

“Connor and Jared both got you gifts.” Heidi spoke, tearing down the silence.

“I-I heard. They didn’t have to...” Evan muttered, the guilt beginning to push on his chest. As much as he loved being free from the hospital, he missed it already. He missed the safe feeling he got from knowing there was nothing he could do to hurt himself.

Trying to focus on the few trees in the city, Evan gazed out the window. “They wanted to. I got you something too, but it’s at home.”

“Wow, uh, thanks.” Evan muttered, playing with the hem on his shirt out of habit.

_Did she see Connor kiss you?_

“So… Connor kissed you.” Heidi grinned, playfully poking her son on the shoulder. “That’s exciting, huh?”

_That answers that._

“Um, y-yeah yeah. That’s awesome. I mean Connor’s awesome. But so was the kiss. It was all just… awesome.” Evan blushed, uncomfortable squirming against the seatbelt of the car, his face beet red. Heidi couldn’t help but giggle a little, happy she finally had her son back.

“Jared saw too, but I made him promise not to tease either of you. You know, he does just want to be friends.” Heidi added, making sure she told Evan everything that had happened in the past three weeks. The last thing she wanted was too many surprises, overwhelming her anxious son.

“He has a funny way of showing it.” Evan remarked, continuing his gaze out the window.

“Some things did change while you were you in… the hospital…” She choked at that last part, giving herself a minute before she began again. “Ms. Kleinman talked with him, some things came up. He was a mess about what happened. Things won’t change quickly, but maybe soon.”

“I… had no idea.” Evan whispered, feeling guilt sink into his body.

“It’s not your fault. One thing I should warn you about for when you go back to school, they sent out an email. The school did. The email didn’t detail what happened or who it was, but according to Connor, everyone figured it out. A girl named Alana, I think it was, tried to get them to calm down a bit.” Heidi began to ramble, trying to make sure she explained everything.

Evan’s heart beat against his chest cavity, his breathing escalating as his anxiety increased. “They- they all know I tried to kill myself?” He gasped, trying to grasp his mind around the situation.

“You’ll hear more from Connor, but he was suspended for nearly the entire three weeks. Fist fights with some students from what he told me. I’ll let him say the rest, I thought I should warn you of that. Whether you want to believe it or not, Jared got suspended too. He refused to say why, but I’m guessing that’s his pride talking.” Heidi finished, smiling as she finally pulled into their driveway. Connor parked on the street in front of the house, Jared leaving as soon as the vehicle came to a stop.

“You drive how you act! Like a maniac!”

“At least the whole school doesn’t think I eat fucking bath bombs!”

“How did that shit even start?”

“Why the fuck are you asking me?”

“Boys!” Heidi called, trying to break them apart before a real fight ensued. They’d both been trying to stand each other, being careful so when they were around Evan, they wouldn’t make him uncomfortable.

Connor and Jared exchanged a glance, mentally agreeing to drop it. Jared’s opinions on Connor hadn’t changed, but they had been explained.

Evan used his key to open the front door, walking back into the familiar home. The smells of the laundry detergent filled his nose, a new house plant in the corner. He couldn’t help but smile at the new addition to the house, knowing his mom wanted to do everything possible to make him happy.

“Welcome home!” Heidi exclaimed, pulling her son into a hug again.

“I hope you enjoy yours and Connor’s new love child.” Jared remarked, pulling on one of the plant leaves. “He bought it for you.”

_Connor bought it for me?_

“I thought you’d like it. You’re the tree boy after all.” Connor told him, a blush creeping onto his cheeks. Evan looked at his feet, playing with the hem of his shirt.

“Thank you. All of you.” Evan grinned, the feeling of relief taking over for guilt. He pulled his mom and Connor in for a hug, grabbing an uncomfortable Jared by the shirt and pulling him in as well.

Evan was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love all comments and kudos! 
> 
> I need your guys opinions on something. Should I end the story here and make a sequel about their senior year? Or should I keep going on this book and have their senior year over this book?   
> Please let me know what you think!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan, Connor, and Jared talk and Connor and Evan name their new ‘love child.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH  
> \- TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia mentioned, swearing, talk of self harm, mention of suicide attempt, mention of fighting  
> \- All thoughts in italics are Evan’s thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.

Heidi went into the kitchen, planning to give her son some time with his friends. As much as she wanted to hold him and never let go, he did need time with his friends.

Evan sat down in the living room, raising an eyebrow when he saw Connor’s hand clasped around a teddy bear with the drawing of a tree. His knuckles were scabbed and bruised, a piece of tape wrapping two of them together.

_How did I not realize this?? He got hurt… Connor got hurt. Most likely because of me._

_Wait, Jared’s hand is the same way??_

“So, um, I got this for you.” Connor told him, handing him the teddy bear. “My mom suggested I do reasons I care about you so those are the words on the tree. Oh, my mom’s okay with us together as like, a couple. Zoe’s chill too, I think. She just takes every opportunity to insult me on it. My dad doesn’t know and he won’t anytime soon.”

“Oh! Okay. T-that’s cool. T-thanks. Sorry a-about y-your dad.” Evan stuttered, pretending not to notice the cuts littering his boyfriend’s hand.

“It’s okay.” Connor smiled, trying to pretend he didn’t notice Evan’s worried stares.

“I got you a sketch book and pencils. Try not to draw tree porn.” Jared intervened, handing over the sketchbook. The book cover itself was made of cork, a tree carved onto the front. A pack of drawing pencils and an eraser were attached with a rubber band.

“Um, thanks Jared.” Evan muttered, his breathing noticeably increasing as he stared at the cuts on Jared’s hand.

“Uh, don’t freak out over it, Evan. It’s out of my persona but not that far.” Jared spoke, holding his hands up in an ‘I surrender’ fashion.

“I’m sorry, this is probably not my business, so I’m sorry, but my-my mom mentioned you two were suspended? D-Did you f-fight… uh… each other? I’m sorry that was a bit rude to ask, but I can’t help but wonder when both of your hands are injured and I don’t want to be the reason you-“

“Hey hey, take a breath.” Connor reminded him, playfully punching Evan on the arm. There was something different about the gesture, something that seemed to matter more than having his hand held.

“Stop apologizing, it’s not a good look on you.” Jared added, taking a moment to look at the bruises on his hand.

“To answer your question, we didn’t beat the shit out of each other. I was suspended and technically am until Monday. This fucker said some things about you, so he had it coming. Jared totally knocked out this sophomore.” Connor grinned, unable to stop himself from feeling pride.

“He-he called me a homophobic freak.” Jared defended, trying to protect his own pride. He could finish explaining, Evan had wrapped him in a hug.

“Thanks, b-both of you, but don’t d-do that a-again.” Evan stuttered, wanting nothing more than to hold Connor’s hands in his.

“Maybe.”

“No problem. I don’t have the itch for violence again.”

Evan smiled, knowing better than to insist anything otherwise. “So, um, what else did I miss? My mom told m-me about the… s-school…”

“Alana Beck considers you a friend, apparently.” Connor pointed out, glancing at Jared for anything else to add.

“I guess Connor’s not _completely_ batshit crazy.” Jared admitted, taking that as something new.

“Awe, Jared! Come in for a hug.” Connor joked, moving from his chair to Jared’s.

“No. No! Help! I’m being attacked! This is violating!” He protested, despite the smile he was trying to hide. Evan laughed, watching the whole thing unfold. Jared couldn’t help but feel at least a little bit happy to have an actual friend, but he still had a reputation to keep.

“You two would make a better couple.” Evan joked, unable to stop himself from laughing.

“Okay, fuck no. Gross.” Both replied simultaneously, moving away from each other. Connor opted to sit by Evan, allowing himself to hold his hand.

Connor is holding your hand… I wonder what his hands would feel like running through my hair, his lips pressed against mine-

Okay slow down.

“You should name your freaky, wedlock love child.” Jared suggested, gesturing to the plant in the corner of the room.

“Alfred.” Connor immediately suggested, saying the first name to come to mind.

“Like Batman’s dad?”

“Butler. God Hansen, learn your comic facts.”

“Sorry, Jared, I don’t sit alone in my basement playing video games all night.”

“Name it Dick. Like Dick Grayson. Batman’s sidekick?”

“Shit, Kleinman. You’re nerdier than I thought.”

An awkward silence filled the room before Jared spoke up.

“You should name it like a ship name, a weird sometimes dirty combination of your names.” Jared winked, racking his brain for anything dirty he could make out of their names. So far, he was coming up empty.

“Kevin.” Evan suggested, shrugging his shoulders. “Connor and Evan. I-It’s spelt differently, but we can a-add a C and make it Cevin. But that would be more like ‘Ceevin’ I think. I’m probably wrong, sorry.”

“Good enough for me.” Connor agreed, his eyes settling on his boyfriend’s new present.

“Sound’s decent. I’ll try and come up with a new one, keep your phone on. You’ll be receiving a phone call later.” Jared had to add, winking his right eye. Evan blushed, the reality of what was happening settling in.

_You have a boyfriend. You have a friend._

_They’re paying attention to you and only you._

_That’s incredibly selfish._

“I should go home. You two lovers have fun.” Jared winked again, snickering to himself a bit.

“Fuck off, Kleinman.” Connor teased, using what would normally be an insult in a playful way. The way he said it didn’t say mean, it said playful.

“Be sure to use protection! I don’t want my friend here getting anything weird.” Jared made sure to add, running out the door before Connor could react.

A comfortable silence clung to the room after the front door closed, signally Jared’s exit. Evan and Connor’s eyes locked, their hearts fluttering in their chests.

_Oh, wow is he hot. His hair looks so soft and his eyes could melt ice. His nails are polished? Why didn’t I notice that earlier? Actually, why did I never notice him till this year?_

_Because you were too busy fantasizing about his sister._

_Oh, yeah._

“So…” Connor mumbled, leaning forward. Evan followed, leading the kiss this time. Their lips gently clashed, both feeling such an overwhelming bout of happiness. Their hands held each other, all worries temporarily diminishing.

They broke apart to someone clearing their throat, looking over to see Heidi standing in the doorway. “Not on my couch.” She joked, taking a seat in the chair Jared had previously occupied.

_Shit._

_Wait, since when do I swear?_

“S-sorry mom.” Evan blushed, sharing a glance with Connor. His boyfriend was beet red, his cheeks only seeming to get more and more flushed the longer they sat.

“Should we order pizza? Chinese? Mexican?” Heidi asked, changing the subject. Evan had nothing to apologize for, she was only joking around. Connor looked embarrassed beyond repair.

“Whatever.” Connor shrugged, moving away from Evan a little bit so there was more distance between them on the couch. Evan nodded in agreement, begging his mom with his eyes to choose and not put pressure on him.

“I’ll order pizza.” She decided, getting out of the chair to call the pizza place in town. Evan took out his phone, seeing two new messages from Jared.

**{Jared Kleinman}**

**Jared** Please don’t tell anyone this, but I’m legitimitly happy for you. Don’t you dare tell anyone this or bring this up again or I take it back completely. Ur still a freak tho, but ur his freak. And now mine. Cinnamon Roll more so.

There was a break, the newer message loading on his phone.

**Jared** Plus, I wanna make clear, I don’t eat bath bombs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are proven to boost self esteem :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan returns to school. Part 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH
> 
> \- TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia mentioned, swearing, talk of self harm, mention of suicide attempt, self hate
> 
> \- All thoughts in italics are Evan’s thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.
> 
> \- Sorry for the wait! I’m in a weird writing slump and I’ve been wanting to write others thing. Updates may take longer to happen now, but they will happen!
> 
> \- Also this is a filler chapter so I’m sorry it’s so boring!

**Two Days Later**

Evan buttoned his shirt, his newly un-casted arm making it easier. His hands shook after he finished buttoning, his nerves really kicking in once again. The anxiety that had momentarily subsided as he got dressed, his mind focusing on the other small task. But now that he was dressed, it slammed him like a door.

_What if they all stare at me? What if everyone asks why I did it? What if everyone asks about Connor? Or, what if everyone asks about Jared? What if they think I did it for attention? What if teachers talk about it? What if they ask why Connor defended me? What if they ask why Jared defended me? What if they ask if I cut?_

_Then again, why would anyone pay attention to me? I’m nothing special or worse paying attention to._

_But you tried to commit suicide, of course they want to pay attention to you. You’re the freak here._

“Evan!” Heidi called, breaking Evan out of his head. She had stayed home from work that morning, waiting with her son until his boyfriend arrived.

“Yeah?”

“Nervous?”

“Y-yeah. What if people talk to me?” Evan asked, unnecessarily shifting through his backpack on the chair. He stopped to take his meds, swallowing with a large gulp from nerves.

“Just ignore them if they do. Cynthia Murphy called though, she asked if you could possibly keep Connor from punching anyone.” Heidi told him, wrapping her hands around a mug of coffee. Evan continued the repetitive behavior of searching through his bag, feeling himself get more and more anxious with each breath.

“I-I’ll see what I c-can do.” Evan muttered, eventually shouldering his backpack when he felt satisfied he had everything he needed.

“Anyways, stay around Jared. If you get anxious, you can go to the school counselor. But, if it makes you feel better, you can get Connor or Jared from their classes to walk with you to the counselor. Or she can call them down.” Heidi began to ramble, instinctively straightening Evan’s shirt. “Since the school knows what happened… the teachers won’t stop and question you.”

“T-thanks.” Evan whispered, wrapping his arms around his mother. Surprised, Heidi hugged him back, giving him a small kiss on the forehead.

A knock at the door broke them apart, Evan’s hands starting to shake. “You’ll be okay, sweetie.” Heidi assured, going to answer the door. Connor stood on the other side, his usual dark clothing on his body. The hoodie hung loosely from his chest, the sleeves covering any damage he had done to his arms. His hands were still bruised, small cuts breaking on his knuckles.

A blush crept up Evan’s cheeks, his hands tightening around the straps of his backpack. “H-Hey Connor. Ready?” He asked, giving his mom a side hug as he walked to the door. A smile grew on Connor’s face, his long hair tucked behind his ears.

“I never thought I would fucking say this, but yes.” Connor agreed, turning to his side so Evan could leave. He exchanged a look with Heidi, deciding he should add something when his boyfriend couldn’t hear. “I’ll protect him. And I’ll try to do that without my fists.”

“Thank you.” Heidi mouthed, feeling herself swell with some form of relief. It was a parent’s job to worry all the time for their child, especially when their child didn’t want to be alive.

Connor got into the driver side of his care, grinning at the anxious boy to his right. Evan returned the smile half-heartedly, his brown eyes shining. He couldn’t help himself, he leaned over and kissed Connor on the cheek, the already red flush to his cheeks turning deeper.

“T-thanks, for everything. B-but please don’t p-punch a-anyone.” Evan stuttered, his lip beginning to quiver. He couldn’t help his whole body from trembling with fear, the physical embodiment of his anxiety shining through.

“I won’t Ev. Not with you there. But I swear to God, if anyone says anything about you-“

“Just p-please don’t do a-anything. I don’t want a-attention.” Evan insisted, twisting his right wrist with his left hand. Without the cast, there was a flick of pain, very light colored and very nearly unnoticeable scars covering his skin.

_This is a bad idea, very bad idea. Since I don’t want to die too much anymore, I want to hurt myself more. What if Connor finds out I want to do that again? What if people ask you about that today?_

_Oh God, do they know I’m dating Connor??_

“I won’t.” Connor answered, bringing Evan back down to Earth. “We’re at school.”

Evan looked around to notice that in fact they had arrived at school. “S-so we are.”

“Let’s go.” Connor spoke, opening the car door. He waited, watching as his boyfriend got out of his car, fumbling with his backpack in his trembling hands. “Ev, listen to me.”

Evan turned to face him, showing he was listening. “Yeah?”

“We can do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know how this was!  
>  Part 2 should be coming soon, but I've been working on a Valerian reader insert.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan returns to school. Pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH  
> \- TRIGGER WARNING: swearing, mention of suicide attempt, self hate  
> \- All thoughts in italics are Evan’s thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.  
> \- There will be three parts to Evan returning to school!

Connor walked shoulder to shoulder with Evan into school, calming his nerves just slightly. Evan’s hands still shook with fear, his breathing escalating as he made his way to his locker.

“Evan!” A voice shouted, a teenage girl speed walking over.

“A-Alana?” Evan stuttered, hoping he didn’t get her name wrong. If he did, she would have to correct him and he would have to feel bad about not getting it right the first time.

“Yes. I wanted to let you know I’m here for you. I’ve always considered you a close acquaintance. Here’s my number if you want to talk, please, don’t be shy. I don’t bite.” Alana nodded, handing Evan a slip of paper with her number on it.

“Oh! T-thanks, Alana.” Evan answered, tucking the paper into his jeans pocket. He began to fumble with the lock on his locker, his hands shaking so much he kept missing the numbers.

“No problem at all, Evan. I hope to hear from you. And Connor, I would like to recommend you don’t break anyone’s jaw today, as thrilling as that is to watch. I have to get to class early, have a good day, both of you.” Alana finished, swiftly turning around and walking away. Her hair swished back and forth as she left, Evan swallowing a lump in throat.

“She’s always a treat.” Connor remarked, his heart sinking as he watched his boyfriend struggle with his lock.

“I-I always feel l-like she d-drinks too much c-coffee.” Evan replied, finally getting his locker open. Books tumbled out onto the floor, heads turning to look at him.

His breath was sucked out of his body and he froze. Evan felt like he was in a little bubble, nothing could penetrate through it. Silence rung in his ears as he stared at his feet, someone shaking his shoulder’s.

“Evan? Evan! Shit, come on.” Connor pleaded, collecting the books nearly as soon as they fell. Evan was completely frozen, voices of other students beginning to echo in his brain.

_Oh god oh god, everyone noticed me. Exactly what I didn’t want to happen, happened. They’re all staring at me, they’re all remembering how much of a freak I am._

_Maybe they aren’t noticing you. Maybe they just don’t care enough to._

“Connor, what the fuck did you do to him?” Another familiar voice cut in to his head, a breath finally entering Evan’s body.

“I didn’t fucking do anything to him, Kleinman. He dropped his books, I picked them up, why the fuck are you accusing me?” Connor defended, clenching his fists around the text books.

“Why the fuck is he having a hard time breathing then?” Jared continued, bending his knees so he could see Evan’s face.

“Both o-o-of you.” Evan’s shaking voice broke, his hands trembling more than he thought possible. “S-Shut u-up.”

A look was exchanged between Connor and Jared, one that Evan couldn’t read. This look showed that if he was willing to be rude, it must be important.

“Sorry.” They replied simultaneously, their attention moving to Evan. His breathing was beginning to come back, but it was labored.

_Great job, now you were rude. Why are you still standing here like a freak? They’re worried for you._

“I-I just want t-to go t-to class.” Evan spoke, doing everything in his power to keep his voice even. “Please?”

“Sure, Ev.” Connor replied, carefully handing him his books.

_You’re being pushy. Calm down._

“No problemo, Evan-o.” Jared joked, receiving two quizzical looks from his friends. Excuse me, friend and his friend’s boyfriend that’s sorta kinda his friend.

“What the actual _fuck_ was that?” Connor asked, gently nudging Evan in the direction of his classroom. They walked in a bickering mood, their feet practically dragging on the ground.

“A joke you will never understand the humor behind.” Jared replied, pushing his classes up with his thumb. His textbooks were all weighing heavily into a backpack that looked like it could fall apart, pulling down on his shoulders.

“And why is that, shit-face?” Connor mocked, laughing a little as Evan didn’t react. Evan was too busy focusing on his walking and the conversations around him to really get it.

“If you must know, fellow shit-face, it’s because you don’t have a shred of humor in that body of yours.”

“I have humor. Haha. See?” Connor growled, anger flaring through his body. Lately with all the stress about his boyfriend’s wellbeing, his anger had been getting worse, hence the fist fights.

“G-guys.” Evan cut in, stopping it before it got worse. Jared raised his hands in surrender, the yellow bruises on his knuckles nearly faded. Connor took a deep breath, cracking his knuckles in his fist, letting the air bubbles popping calm him down.

“Sorry.” They both chimed again, gently patting Evan’s shoulders as a form of support. Although strange, the gesture left Evan with a warm feeling in the pit of his stomach.

The first bell rang, telling them and the fellow students there was two minutes to class. They all approached the door of Evan’s first class, math. His hands trembled more than they had all more, if that was even possible. He felt as though his hands would shake off his wrists, leaving him to further pain.

What if the teacher asks me to write on the board? What if the people that sit by me ask me about what happened, about why I was gone? What if they ask about Connor? And Jared?

“You’ll be okay, Ev. I’ll be here waiting when you’re done in class. And if my teacher doesn’t let me out, Jared’ll be here. Right?” Connor asked, sensing Evan’s anxiety. He raised an eyebrow at Jared, waiting for his answer.

“Yup. Totally not because my mom’s making me.” Jared laughed, being met with silence. “Wow, tough crowd this morning. Later dudes.”

Evan glanced at Jared as he sauntered away, envying his confidence. “What if they ask why I was gone? W-what if they ask a-about us?”

“Ignore them. Or tell them. I’m not ashamed of being your boyfriend, but you should be ashamed to be mine. So, tell them what you want. It’s up to us to determine our relationship, ya know?” Connor answered, a casual shrug following the otherwise heartfelt statement. “You can do this.”

“W-wow, Connor, t-thanks. You know, I’m not ashamed to be your boyfriend. Or anyone’s b-boyfriend. N-not anymore. So don’t think I-I’m ashamed of you, b-because I’m not. You’re r-really cool and smart and you don’t get enough c-credit for things. Sure you have flaws b-but we all have flaws and that’s not-“

Evan was cut off by a soft kiss being planted on his forehead. A blush crept up on his cheeks, the looks they got from a couple students not mattering in the moment. His heart fluttered in his chest, happiness sparking inside.

“See you after class, Ev. I’ll try to not knock the lights out of some homophobic shit head. Or Jared, he’s making that list.” Connor chuckled, his expression softening when he saw a look of fear in Evan’s eyes. “Kidding about the Jared part, mostly.”

“T-thanks. S-see you later.”

Evan watched his boyfriend walk away, his wavy brown hair bouncing with each step. His breathing increased once again, but this time he didn’t tremble. He walked to his seat and sat down just as the bell rang, some last minutes students running in before the teacher arrived. Feet tapping, pencil in hand, Evan was ready to be back at school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep your eyes peeled for part 3! My writing has been slacking and I'm having trouble so updates may take a bit longer. Please comment and let me know what you think or want to see!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan is back at school. PART 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- DISCLAIMER: I do not own DEH
> 
> \- TRIGGER WARNING: swearing, mention of suicide attempt, panic attack, unintentional vomiting
> 
> \- I’M SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG! I’m having a very hard time writing, for some reason all I can write right now are gif series imagines on my Wattpad account. I’m trying to write, but it’s just really hard at the moment for some reason. I’m gonna keep trying though.
> 
> \- Sorry it’s short, please forgive me.
> 
> \- All thoughts in italics are Evan’s thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.

Lunch came around faster than Evan thought possible, all the students flocking to the cafeteria. He hung around at his last classroom, English. The teacher asked him to stick around, just wanting to recommend a bunch of books that could help him. Some of them were about true stories of gay teens, others were fictional but with the same topic. It wasn’t too surprising to Evan his teacher knew, Heidi had mentioned something about emailing her to ask for book recommendations.

“Earth to Evan, the trees need you oh wise one.” Jared remarked, cringing at himself. Evan looked up from the list of books, his back against the lockers outside the classroom. Quickly stuffing the paper into his pocket, the same one with Alana’s number.

“T-That was w-weak.” Evan stuttered, his palms beginning to sweat as he thought of lunch. Usually he just avoided the meal all together, buying a granola bar from the vending machine, sitting in the library with his book. But, with Connor, he had to eat lunch in the cafeteria.

“I know dude, just pretend that never happened. Come on, your shitty husband is waiting for you.” Jared joked, beginning to walk in the direction of the lunch room. Evan followed like a puppy, his anxiety once again escalating with every step. He had been lucky so far, no one had asked him about where he was. He had just gotten some nasty looks, presumably because it was confirmed he was dating Connor.

“C-Connor’s nice.” Evan defended, clutching his text books to his chest. Jared chuckled to himself, shrugging his shoulders.

“To you. Then again, I treat him like the shit that he is.” Jared laughed playfully punching Evan’s shoulder once again, like he does almost every time they see each other now.

“J-Jared.”

“I know, I know. I don’t actually mean it. Sorta.”

“J- _Jared_.”

“I know you love him so I’ve been tolerating him for you because your mom asked me to and honestly you’re okay Evan. I’ll still act like I have a stick in my ass half the fucking time though. I just can’t help it, but-“

_“Jared!”_

Jared stopped walking, turning on his heels to face Evan. Evan’s face was dripping with sweat, the books slipping from his hands as they pooled with sweat. “What the hell is wrong now?”

“I-I can’t g-go to lunch. T-tell Connor I’m s-s-sorry.” Evan stuttered out, the books falling to the floor. He darted down the hall, turning to corner to a bathroom.

“Evan!” He heard Jared call, but his voice was muffled.

_Please don’t let there be anyone in here, please please._

To Evan’s relief, no one was occupying the bathroom. He twisted the lock on the door, making sure no one could come in. Once he was alone, a quiet sob broke through his body, his stomach churning with pain.

Unable to hold himself in anymore, he gagged over a toilet. Evan threw up his breakfast, his stomach settling soon after. Sweat soaked through his shirt, a deep breath refreshing his body.

_Great job, Evan. Great freaking job._

Legs trembling, Evan rose to his feet. He flushed the toilet of his vomit, tears clouding his vision. His backpack fell to the floor by the toilet, his laptop poking out from the partially unzipped top. Evan felt calmer than he had all day, his body settling down. Maybe he did eat something weird for breakfast.

“Evan?” Connor’s voice echoed, the sound muffled through the door. He softly knocked on the thick bathroom door, the beat pounding in Evan’s head.

_‘I don’t want to unlock the door,_ ’ Evan thought as he leaned against the sink. ‘ _I don’t want anyone here.’_

He ran the water cold, splashing it on his face. The water mixed with his sweat, dripping off his chin. The door handle ratted, each time Connor tried to open the door he became more urgent.

“Evan fucking Hansen open the fucking door!” He screamed, the loud voice of another man stopping him.

“Language, young man!” Evan made out, an older voice breaking through the barrier of the door. “Connor Murphy, I’ll meet you in the principal’s office. Jared Kleinman, go to lunch.”

Evan’s heart began to pound, thinking of how he wouldn’t get to talk to Connor. An angry pound on the door signaled Connor leaving, presumably to go to the principal’s office. Distant footsteps showed Jared, who hadn’t made a sound until then, also leaving.

Keys jingled outside the door, the lock twisting. A teacher Evan didn’t recognize entered, the door swinging shut. “Evan?”

“Y-Yeah?” Evan stuttered, gathering his things from the floor.

“Are you okay?”

No. Why the hell would you think I am?

“Ye- No.” He admitted, shouldering his backpack. Evan fiddled with the hem of his shirt, the ache in his stomach growing again.

“Let’s go call your mom to take you home.”

Evan paused, thinking the suggestion through.

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and let me know what you think!! Sorry it took so long!!!


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Connor and Evan go on their first official date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything DEH or any of the books I mention in this chapter.   
> \- TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia mentioned, swearing, talk of self harm, mention of suicide attempt, self hate  
> \- All thoughts in italics are Evan’s thoughts, unless implied to be Connor’s.

**Two Weeks Later. It is now mid-November.**

Evan tied a bowtie around his neck, glancing at himself in the mirror. The drawing Connor made for him hung up beside the reflective surface, giving him a reminder that someone cared. Connor and Evan had decided they need to have an actual first day, especially since Evan’s first day back at school.

_Ugly_

“Y-yeah, I know.” Evan replied out loud, giving up on the tie. He settled to just wear a nice shirt, ditching the blazer. He wore ironed pants, tennis shoes on his feet. He was missing nice shoes, having to settle with the basics.

_Should you even go on this date? What if you can’t order for yourself? What if you spill something? What if I screw up again? What if Connor realizes he really doesn’t like me anymore? Maybe Jared’s old opinions are right… maybe I just can’t date Connor._

Shaking his head as if it would take the thoughts from his head, Evan pulled out his phone.

**{Mom (Heidi Hansen)}**

**Evan** Leaving soon, don’t know where we’re going. Let you know when we get there

A few minutes passed, Evan straightening his light brown hair and brushing his teeth in the meantime. He gazed at the tree drawing, already blushing a light red color. ‘Cute’ was written in big words down the trunk, a reminder Evan needed quite often.

Ever since Connor got expelled, Evan had needed to remind himself of how Connor felt. Connor was grounded and unable to see him for nearly two weeks, they hadn’t even been able to text. Hence why tonight was extra special, they got to officially be alone together.

His phone lit up with two messages, they arrived at the same time.

**{Mom (Heidi Hansen)}**

**Mom** Okay! Drive safe! Love you Evan, have fun!

Evan smile softly to himself before replying.

**Evan** Thanks mom. Don’t worry, Connor will make sure I don’t get into anything bad.

**{Texting Jared Kleinman}**

**Jared** Use protection ;] Also don’t forget to tell every dirty detail to your insanely cool friend.

**Evan** My childhood imaginary friend will hear all about it

**Jared** Fuck me, you managed to burn me. Someone can me some ice

**Evan** Thank you.

**Jared** And you ruined it. Do tell your real friend all the details though.

**Evan** Whatever Jared.

Evan shut his phone off, hurrying down the stairs. He fidgeted with the tie around his neck, despite the fact it was already on. He put on a simple jacket and shoved his wallet into his pant pocket.

He opened the door just as Connor pulled up, running down to the front steps. He could see Connor stifling a laugh in the driver’s seat, his happiness becoming apparent when Evan opened the car door.

“Were you fucking waiting for me?” Connor laughed, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel.

“N-Not really. I’m just really e-excited.” Evan stuttered, fiddling with his hands in his lap. Connor leaned over, gently pressing his lips on Evan’s. The two boys relaxed instantly, the pit feeling of happiness swelling in their stomachs.

“I have plans for this official date, Evan. I’ve had two weeks of smoking and drinking alone in the house to plan this.” Connor remarked, moving away. Evan’s face dropped, the sudden realization that the car smelled like smoke coming back.

“A-Are you high or drunk now?” He asked, anxiety replacing the happiness he felt.

“Sober. Don’t worry, Ev. I’m not that stupid.” Connor rolled his eyes, putting the car in reverse. “You have a list of books you want, right?”

\------

They pulled into a parking lot of a _Barnes and Noble_ , a soft look consuming Connor’s eyes. Evan swallowed a lump in his throat, the feeling of unknown fading from his brain. “You- we’re at a book store?”

“Can’t you see?” Connor remarked, turning the key out of the ignition. His hair was tucked behind his ears, his tan buttoned-up shirt hanging loosely on his body.

“Of course, y-yeah. But, do you like books? Because I don’t want this to just be about me. That seems selfish and I don’t really want you to be anywhere you’ll be bored, but-“

Connor pushed his lips onto Evan, cutting him off. “I love to read. That’s why I decided to come here. We can spend an hour or so here and then go to dinner. C’mon, I’ll be a good boyfriend and buy you a few books.”

The car door opened before Evan could reply, Connor stepping out. “You don’t need to b-buy me anything.” Evan insisted, going out his own side of the car.

“Of course I do, you’re my boyfriend.” Connor added, taking Evan’s trembling hand in his. Evan relaxed mentally, but physically tensed.

_What if people stare? What if people are homophobic and yell at you two? What if Connor goes after them? What if they go after Connor? What if they go after you? What if-?_

“No one’s going to hurt us.” Connor whispered as they entered the store, reading his boyfriend’s thoughts.

“How did you-?”

“You squeezed my hand so tight my fingers are tingly. You’re nervous, I get it. I say fuck everyone who doesn’t have the decency to shut their mouths. If they see us, two males, holding hands and think they need to yell at us, they can. Whatever in my opinion.” Connor started, his emotions heightening at the topic. He paused to take a deep breath, releasing Evan’s hand so they could look around the store. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, just calm down. Let’s look at books.” Evan insisted, his eyes already scanning the titles at the entrance.

“How sad is it to be in the ‘last chance - half price’ section? Like, their book is so bad they can’t even put it on the shelves.” Connor changed, picking one of them up. He turned away from the section, book still in hand, signaling he was going to buy it.

“Pretty d-damn sad.” Evan laughed, almost choking as Connor pat him on the back.

“I can’t get over you cursing, it’s fucking adorable.” Connor grinned, following Evan deeper into the store. Evan had already begun to scan the popular section, looking at books that were, for some reason, getting more and more popular.

“T-thanks? Do you like _Harry Potter_?” Evan asked, picking up the first book. He frowned, the cover had been changed from the original one.

“I prefer classic books. Or shitty ones. Or cliché ones.”

“Oh okay, I really like _Harry Potter_. Or fantasy or science fiction books. Comic books and all that… But classic books are pretty good.” Evan rambled, his palms turning to sweat.

“Tell you what, Ev. You go find me some comics or science fiction or fantasy or whatever, and I’ll find you some classics. See you back here in fifteen.”

\--------

They met back at the popular table, a stack of books in each their arms. “I got you a bunch of comic books because they’re small and they only take less than an hour to read and there’s so many superheroes. I got Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Nightwing, Aquaman, Spiderman, Captain America, Iron Man… a couple others sorry I’m rambling sorry.”

“No no, it’s cute. What else?” Connor asked, his eyes widening at his task for the next few weeks.

“The first _two Harry Potter, Ender’s Game, Odd Thomas, The Hobbit_ , the first _Lord of the Rings_ , and the entire _Narnia_ series.” Evan finished, a dark red blush creeping on his cheeks. “Sorry it’s too much, I’ll put some back. I don’t know what I was thinking or-“

“Ev, I have two weeks before I start at a new school. That’s two weeks home with nothing better to do than read. I love it, thanks.”

“You’re welcome… w-what did you f-find?” Evan asked, adjusting himself with all the books in his arms. Connor’s pile was considerably smaller, but the books he grabbed her thinner.

_“The Great Gatsby, To Kill a Mockingbird, Catcher in the Rye, For Whom the Bell Tolls_ , a book of _Shakespeare_ classics, _1984_ and the _Lord of the Flies.”_ Connor told him, having to look at the spines of the books. “All pretty good.”

“I’ve read s-some. Been meaning to re-read them though.”

“Perfect. Let’s go check out.”

\-------

They returned to the car with two large bags of books, having split the cost between them. “Ready for dinner?” Connor asked, leaning over to peck Evan on the cheek. They both blushed as they moved apart, a smile on both their lips.

“Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and let me know what you think!! I may end this fic soon since I don't have many ideas...


	23. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything DEH  
> \- TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of triggering topics  
> \- Italics that aren’t the letters are Evan’s thoughts  
> \- This is it guys!! The end!

Evan went home after this high school graduation, closing the door and going up to his room. Heidi was in the main living room, giving her son some time to process what had happened. He had just graduated high school,  _ highschool _ of all things. He was done, off to take a year off. 

Evan gazed around his room, his eyes settling on his bed. A note was neatly folded on his pillow, standing out on the pillowcase. Curiosity sparked in his body as he picked up the light enveloped, his name neatly written in cursive on the front. Tearing into the letter, Evan fumbled with the folded paper.

It was typed on one side and printed on the other. The printed side read...

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?_ _  
__I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different._ _  
___I wish I was apart of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I disappeared tomorrow?

_ Sincerely, _ _   
_ _ Your most best, and dearest friend, Me. _

Evan’s eyes welled with tears, had he really felt like that? Sure he still felt bad some days, but never that bad. Shaking it off best he could, he turned it over to the written side. 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_Today is a great day because today you graduate high school! You got better over the year instead of getting worse, even if you had ups and downs. Even if I had ups and downs as well, it got better and it will still get better._ _  
__You don’t need Zoe, you have Connor. You have a boyfriend that loves you more than he thought he possibly could. You saved someone who also saved you, even if he would never admit it outloud._ _  
__You became a part of something, you became apart of us. You became apart of me, a part of my heart. I didn’t even think I had one until you came into my life._ _  
___I love you Evan Hansen, and today will be a good day after all. And this year will be a good year after all. And so will the days and months and years to come.

_ Sincerely, _ _   
_ _ Me (AKA Connor Murphy) _

Evan’s eyes welled with tears, tears of happiness. He chuckled softly at the last part. 

_ ‘AKA Connor Murphy’; no shit Sherlock. I thought Jared wrote it.  _

Happiness overwhelmed Evan’s body, swelling in his heart. He heard footsteps at his door, looking over through teary eyes. 

“I take it you liked my letter.” Connor laughed, a present in his hands. Evan didn’t say anything, just stood up and pulled Connor into a hug. He tightened his grip around his boyfriend, burying his face in his chest.

“You kept that letter? From the first day of school?” Evan asked, honestly surprised. Connor chuckled, wrapping an arm around him.

“Course I did. I knew then I loved you.” Connor said, genuinely happy. Both boys didn’t have a negative emotion in their body at that moment.

“Took me a while longer, but I love you too.” Evan smiled, kissing Connor’s cheek.

“Ready to go?”

Evan stopped, taking a moment to think. “One minute.”

He went to his desk, pulling out a sticky note. He grabbed a pen and started to write, needing to give Connor something.

_ Dear Connor Murphy, _

_ I love you. _

_ Sincerely, _ _   
_ _ Evan Hansen _

Evan stuck the note on Connor’s shirt, kissing his boyfriend’s lips. Connor broke the kiss after several seconds, holding out the present. It was a bag with a heavy jar inside, a jar full of letters to Evan, written almost every day since they started dating. 

Both Evan Hansen and Connor Murphy have graduated high school, something neither boy thought they would do. 

Evan Hansen and Connor Murphy also got something else this year, something neither would have ever thought they deserved. 

They found love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ending is really cheesy I know, but I suck at endings. Hope everyone enjoyed this fic! I just didn’t know what to do with it anymore. Thanks to all those who supported it!
> 
> Love you all :)


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